Desolation Alley

I Need That Record!

2011-02-16T08:11:00.000-08:00

Last night, after I put my son to bed, I watched a good documentary titled 'I Need That Record!' (The Death or Possible Survival of the Independent Record Store). It's a documentary that explains why thousands of indie record stores are closing nationwide. It discusses greedy record labels, digital music, big box stores, average artists that are pushed by big money, and how corporate radio pretty much decides what the public is exposed to.

This film hit home to me because growing up, I was one of those kids that just loved the indie stores (still do) and spent a lot of time hanging out there and searching for the next great band that I haven't heard yet. I knew at a young age that corporate radio would only expose me to a certain amount of music, and that in order to find anything new, I would have to discover it on my my own. It's something that has stuck with me. I still never play the radio and honestly couldn't tell you what Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga sounds like, even if they were playing right in front of me. Honestly.

That feeling of opening the package of new record or CD and popping in the player while you flip through the artwork and read the lyrics is something that is lost in the digital download world. Which is why I usually still by the actual physical disc. Only now, with the lack of indie stores around, my purchases are bought on Amazon.com where I can get it used at a very good price, or directly through the record label on-line. It's tough to beat. Don't get me wrong either, I love having the option of having an album on my computer at the click of a button too. It just isn't the same though as buying it at an indie store with like minded people working that you can talk about it with while some strange band that you've never heard plays on the radio in the background.

The independent record store is pretty much extinct now with all the Wal-Marts, Best Buy's, Borders, and Targets popping up on every corner these days. It's a shame, and I'm gonna miss them. If you're lucky enough to have one in your town, support it.

With appearances from Ian Mackaye, Thurston Moore, Mike Watt, Glenn Branca, and Noam Chomsky.

My Father Will Guide Me Up a Rope to the Sky

2011-02-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

I just completed my purchase for a ticket to see a band called Swans in San Francisco on March 1st. I've been tossing the idea around on whether or not to go because it's 4 hours away on a Tuesday night, but an opportunity to see this band play live hasn't come since they broke up in 1997.

They recently reformed, and released an album in 2010 titled, 'My Father Will Guide Me Up a Rope to the Sky'. I purchased it about a week ago and it has not left my player. It's incredible. Gira and the gang are returning strong as ever. My first encounter with Swans was back in 1999 when I picked up the monumental 'Great Annihilator'. I never heard such a fucked up record in my life, and I absolutely loved it. The new album picks up right where they left off with the mind blowing 9 min opening track 'No Words/No Thoughts'. Honestly, to me there's not a bad track on this disc, but my favorite is 'Eden Prison'. Check these guys out.

People Just Don't Do That Anymore

2011-01-24T19:15:00.000-08:00

I came across this CD after doing a little research on my family's friend Bob Martin. My mother recently sent me his live CD 'Live at the Bull Run' which is absolutely incredible. My collection of Bob's records only date back to 1997's 'Next to Nothing'. I wasn't aware of this beautiful collection of songs released back in 1972. Probably because it has been out of print since the mid-70's. It has recently, however, been re-released on CD. The music and lyrics are, in my opinion, right up there with the big boys. (Dylan, Cohen).

The best part about listening to Bob's music is that he's from Lowell and a friend of the family. Do yourself a favor, pick up this CD or check it out on YouTube. You'll love it. Thank me later....

Lake Tahoe Zen Meditation Group

2011-01-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

When I moved from Carson to Tahoe in June, I was still making the trek back down the mountain on Thursday nights to host the weekly Zen sitting group that I had been hosting since I moved there in 2008.

With the winter weather and my current work schedule, it wasn't working out to continue hosting the group in Carson City.

I have however, started a new group in Lake Tahoe. We are currently looking for space to practice at but I have a feeling something will come up soon. If you or anyone you know can help finding a spot, please contact me.

You can also help show support for our group by joining on Meetup.com or liking us on Facebook. Thanks for your support!

Lake Tahoe Zen on Facebook ------- Lake Tahoe Zen on Meetup

Times Of Grace/Grace

2011-01-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

The most played album this week is Neurosis' 6th studio album, 'Times of Grace'. Still riding off the energy of the show on Saturday night, I've been playing a steady rotation of Neurosis albums in my line up. I would have to say that 'Times of Grace' has hit the hardest this week. Produced by Steve Albini (Pixies,Nirvana,Cheap Trick, PJ Harvey, Shellac) 'Times of Grace' is a masterpiece. Neurosis went on to form a side project called 'Tribes of Neurot' which is mostly instrumental, tribal sounding music. 'Tribes' recorded an album titled 'Grace' which is meant to played simultaneously with 'Times of Grace'. I had my first listen of the 2 records side by side last night and it is surely mind blowing. This is the first time (that I know of: the 'Wizard of Oz' and 'Dark Side of the Moon' doesn't quite make the cut) that a band has released an album, to be played alongside another album. It proves the pure genius of this group. Here are the 2 albums playing simultaneously:

1. "Suspended in Light" – 1:59
2. "The Doorway" – 7:35
3. "Under the Surface" – 8:37
4. "The Last You'll Know" – 9:14
5. "Belief" – 5:56
6. "Exist" – 1:41
7. "End of the Harvest" – 7:29
8. "Descent" – 2:57
9. "Away" – 9:35
10. "Times of Grace" – 7:22
11. "The Road to Sovereignty" – 3:39

End of the Harvest-

like the walls of your stare, you will fall (within you)
succumb to the new and give way
old fields will fail (memory)
yielding crops of rock and dust

a book lies open, its pages crumble at your touch
words breed lies (writhe)
wind feeds fire unseen

have you ever tasted the soil (destiny)
and felt your own death in your veins
shield your eyes from the moon (found them all)
as it mocks your wretched self

with fire in your heart the truth lies clear
words breed lies (writhe)
wind feeds fire unseen

bend your thoughts, unveil your soul
now drink, revive, reach, scrape and bind

A Man Within

2011-01-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

Here's a new film being released about the famous Beat writer William S. Burroughs. It looks really interesting. There are quite a few movies about the Beats and writers alike coming out these days. Kerouac's 'On The Road' is in the making, Ginsberg's HOWL was great, H.S. Thompson's 'The Rum Diary' is in the works, Bukowski's 'Factotum' and now this film on Burroughs. I like how this genre of writing is starting to surface again and expose itself to the next generation.

"William S. Burroughs: A Man Within is a feature-length independent documentary by Chicago Director Yony Leyser, in collaboration with BulletProof Film, Inc.

The film features never before seen footage of William S. Burroughs, as well as exclusive interviews with his closest friends and colleagues including John Waters, Genesis P-Orridge, Laurie Anderson, Peter Weller, David Cronenberg, Patti Smith, Iggy Pop, Gus Van Sant, Sonic Youth, Anne Waldman, Hal Willner, James Grauerholz, Amiri Baraka, Jello Biafra, V. Vale, Diane DiPrima, with narration by actor Peter Weller and soundtrack by Patti Smith and Sonic Youth.

The film investigates the life of legendary beat author and American icon, William S. Burroughs. Born the heir of the Burroughs’ adding machine estate, he struggled throughout his life with addiction, control systems and self. He was forced to deal with the tragedy of killing his wife and the repercussions of neglecting his son. His novel, Naked Lunch, was one of the last books to be banned by the U.S. government. Allen Ginsberg and Norman Mailer testified on behalf of the book. The courts eventually overturned their decision in 1966, ruling that the book had important socialvalue. It remains one of the most recognized literary works of the 20th century.

William Burroughs was one of the first to cross the dangerous boundaries of queer and drug culture in the 1950s, and write about his experiences. Eventually he was hailed the godfather of the beat generation and influenced artists for generations to come. However, his friends were left wondering, did William ever find happiness? This extremely personal documentary breaks the surface of the troubled and brilliant world of one of the greatest authors of all time."

US SCREENINGS:
01/07/2011 Detroit, MI Burton
01/07/2011 Montpelier, VT Savoy
01/08/2011 Metuchen, NJ Forum Theatre
01/08/2011 Metuchen, NJ Raconteur
01/14/2011 Duluth, MN Zinema
01/14/2011 Nashville, TN Belcourt Theatre
01/14/2011 Tucson, AZ Loft
01/21/2011 Chicago, IL Music Box
01/21/2011 Santa Fe, NM CCA
02/02/2011 Boulder, CO International Film Series
02/04/2011 Boston, MA Brattle
02/19/2011 Missoula, MT Big Sky Documentary Film Festival
03/04/2011 Cleveland, OH Cleveland Museum of Art

Neurosis

2011-01-16T17:04:00.000-08:00

Last night at the Great American Music Hall in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco, I was fortunate to be a part of the audience watching the legendary post-punk/sludge metal band Neurosis perform. I've been trying to see these guys play live for years now, but they hardly ever tour. Even this tour is only about 6 shows and 2 of them are overseas. So needless to say, it's a rare opportunity to see theses guys.

The show was amazing, probably one of the best I've been to. When I walked in, I couldn't believe how small the venue was. I knew they were going to blow the doors off the place, which they did. The opening bands, YOB and US Christmas were both really good. The bands played a sort of stoner/sludge type of metal which catered to the crowd. Neurosis opened up with 'Through Silver in Blood', one of their most powerful songs released back in 1996. The rest of the set list was diverse with 2 new songs and a mix of material from older albums and their most recent 'Given to the Rising.' The highlights were 'The Doorway' and 'Locust Star', 2 of my personal favorites I was hoping they'd play. The screen set up behind the band playing different psychedelic/random images was mind blowing and a great compliment to the songs being played.At times, it was like watching a modern day Pink Floyd or Sabbath only 10 times heavier. The energy of the show stayed consistent from start to finish. The band played their asses off for an hour and a half and walked off stage with no encore. At the end of the night, everyone in the crowd knew they just witnessed a rare performance that they might never get to see again. I walked out smiling,grateful to be able to see these guys play, hailed a cab, and met up with the rest my friends in North Beach at around 1am.

Set List:
Through Silver in Blood
At the End Of the Road
The Doorway
3 Wise Chords (new)
Given to the Rising
Killing Elk (new)
Locust Star
Water is Not Enough
Distill
Stones From the Sky

Sunday Morning

2011-01-14T11:29:00.001-08:00

Sitting here drinking my coffee and watching Kev play with his fire trucks on this brisk Sunday morning. I'm thinking back to when I was his age, getting dressed up for Sunday Mass in Lowell. We were parishioners of St. Margaret's Church on Steven's St. A beautiful building where everything was holy, even the sand on the steps to keep us from slipping in the winter.

I remember stepping inside, coming down to one knee, and making the sign of the cross. Entering the pew with my family of four and kneeling to say our prayers. The stations of the cross hung on the walls with stained glass windows of what appeared to be heaven. Waiting in line to receive the Body of Christ while wondering what the Blood tasted like as Monsignor took a sip.

We repented every Sunday for our sins, and started over again on Monday with a clean slate only to have it full again by the end of the week. It was a vicious circle that never seemed to show any long term improvement in our actions. As long as we admitted them to the man behind the screen, they would wash away with a few Our Fathers and Heaven was possible again.

Today we eat eggs and toast and Kev dances to Tom Waits' 'Filipino Box Spring Hog'. The walls are adorned with photos of Lowell, Dylan, Kerouac and Cassady.(Saints of our time) Buddha sits in the corner quietly observing. This is our Church and everything is Holy. We take responsibility for our actions and practice non-harming the best we can. Heaven is not separate from here.

HOWL

2011-01-14T11:26:00.000-08:00

Watching the movie HOWL tonight, sipping on a Petite Syrah followed up by half a glass of scotch while my son sleeps on the couch next to me. The film was good, I enjoyed the history behind the wonderful and controversial poem by Allen Ginsberg. The first time I read the poem, about 5 years ago, I was floored. The words ran through me like the first time I heard the Beatles. It was more complicated though, you had to sit with it. It didn't make sense at first, but it wasn't supposed to make sense right away, like a Dylan album in a sense. Franco played a believable Ginsberg, which I wasn't expecting. I was expecting a poor portrayal for some reason, I don't know why. Franco has been spot on in every role he's done since 'Pineapple Express'.

If you're not familiar with the Beat Generation and Ginsberg's famous poem HOWL, check out this film. If you are familiar with it, check it out as well. At the beginning of the film, they state that every word is taking from an actual conversation, but not from the actual people. So, it's like a documentary, but it's not.

POEM
Howl

by Allen Ginsberg

For Carl Solomon
I

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,
who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated,
who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war,
who were expelled from the academies for crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull,
who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall,
who got busted in their pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York,
who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night
with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls,
incomparable blind streets of shuddering cloud and lightning in the mind leaping toward poles of Canada & Paterson, illuminating all the motionless world of Time between,
Peyote solidities of halls, backyard green tree cemetery dawns, wine drunkenness over the rooftops, storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon blinking traffic light, sun and moon and tree vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brooklyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind,
who chained themselves to subways for the endless ride from Battery to holy Bronx on benzedrine until the noise of wheels and children brought them down shuddering mouth-wracked and battered bleak of brain all drained of brilliance in the drear light of Zoo,
who sank all night in submarine light of Bickford’s floated out and sat through the stale beer afternoon in desolate Fugazzi’s, listening to the crack of doom on the hydrogen jukebox,
who talked continuously seventy hours from park to pad to bar to Bellevue to museum to the Brooklyn Bridge,
a lost battalion of platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon,
yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars,
whole intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the Synagogue cast on the pavement,
who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey leaving a trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic City Hall,
suffering Eastern sweats and Tangerian bone-grindings and migraines of China under junk-withdrawal in Newark’s bleak furnished room,
who wandered around and around at midnight in the railroad yard wondering where to go, and went, leaving no broken hearts,
who lit cigarettes in boxcars boxcars boxcars racketing through snow toward lonesome farms in grandfather night,
who studied Plotinus Poe St. John of the Cross telepathy and bop kabbalah because the cosmos instinctively vibrated at their feet in Kansas,
who loned it through the streets of Idaho seeking visionary indian angels who were visionary indian angels,
who thought they were only mad when Baltimore gleamed in supernatural ecstasy,
who jumped in limousines with the Chinaman of Oklahoma on the impulse of winter midnight streetlight smalltown rain,
who lounged hungry and lonesome through Houston seeking jazz or sex or soup, and followed the brilliant Spaniard to converse about America and Eternity, a hopeless task, and so took ship to Africa,
who disappeared into the volcanoes of Mexico leaving behind nothing but the shadow of dungarees and the lava and ash of poetry scattered in fireplace Chicago,
who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the FBI in beards and shorts with big pacifist eyes sexy in their dark skin passing out incomprehensible leaflets,
who burned cigarette holes in their arms protesting the narcotic tobacco haze of Capitalism,
who distributed Supercommunist pamphlets in Union Square weeping and undressing while the sirens of Los Alamos wailed them down, and wailed down Wall, and the Staten Island ferry also wailed,
who broke down crying in white gymnasiums naked and trembling before the machinery of other skeletons,
who bit detectives in the neck and shrieked with delight in policecars for committing no crime but their own wild cooking pederasty and intoxication,
who howled on their knees in the subway and were dragged off the roof waving genitals and manuscripts,
who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists, and screamed with joy,
who blew and were blown by those human seraphim, the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean love,
who balled in the morning in the evenings in rosegardens and the grass of public parks and cemeteries scattering their semen freely to whomever come who may,
who hiccuped endlessly trying to giggle but wound up with a sob behind a partition in a Turkish Bath when the blond & naked angel came to pierce them with a sword,
who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar the one eyed shrew that winks out of the womb and the one eyed shrew that does nothing but sit on her ass and snip the intellectual golden threads of the craftsman’s loom,
who copulated ecstatic and insatiate with a bottle of beer a sweetheart a package of cigarettes a candle and fell off the bed, and continued along the floor and down the hall and ended fainting on the wall with a vision of ultimate cunt and come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness,
who sweetened the snatches of a million girls trembling in the sunset, and were red eyed in the morning but prepared to sweeten the snatch of the sunrise, flashing buttocks under barns and naked in the lake,
who went out whoring through Colorado in myriad stolen night-cars, N.C., secret hero of these poems, cocksman and Adonis of Denver—joy to the memory of his innumerable lays of girls in empty lots & diner backyards, moviehouses’ rickety rows, on mountaintops in caves or with gaunt waitresses in familiar roadside lonely petticoat upliftings & especially secret gas-station solipsisms of johns, & hometown alleys too,
who faded out in vast sordid movies, were shifted in dreams, woke on a sudden Manhattan, and picked themselves up out of basements hung-over with heartless Tokay and horrors of Third Avenue iron dreams & stumbled to unemployment offices,
who walked all night with their shoes full of blood on the snowbank docks waiting for a door in the East River to open to a room full of steam-heat and opium,
who created great suicidal dramas on the apartment cliff-banks of the Hudson under the wartime blur floodlight of the moon & their heads shall be crowned with laurel in oblivion,
who ate the lamb stew of the imagination or digested the crab at the muddy bottom of the rivers of Bowery,
who wept at the romance of the streets with their pushcarts full of onions and bad music,
who sat in boxes breathing in the darkness under the bridge, and rose up to build harpsichords in their lofts,
who coughed on the sixth floor of Harlem crowned with flame under the tubercular sky surrounded by orange crates of theology,
who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty incantations which in the yellow morning were stanzas of gibberish,
who cooked rotten animals lung heart feet tail borsht & tortillas dreaming of the pure vegetable kingdom,
who plunged themselves under meat trucks looking for an egg,
who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade,
who cut their wrists three times successively unsuccessfully, gave up and were forced to open antique stores where they thought they were growing old and cried,
who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinister intelligent editors, or were run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality,
who jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge this actually happened and walked away unknown and forgotten into the ghostly daze of Chinatown soup alleyways & firetrucks, not even one free beer,
who sang out of their windows in despair, fell out of the subway window, jumped in the filthy Passaic, leaped on negroes, cried all over the street, danced on broken wineglasses barefoot smashed phonograph records of nostalgic European 1930s German jazz finished the whiskey and threw up groaning into the bloody toilet, moans in their ears and the blast of colossal steamwhistles,
who barreled down the highways of the past journeying to each other’s hotrod-Golgotha jail-solitude watch or Birmingham jazz incarnation,
who drove crosscountry seventytwo hours to find out if I had a vision or you had a vision or he had a vision to find out Eternity,
who journeyed to Denver, who died in Denver, who came back to Denver & waited in vain, who watched over Denver & brooded & loned in Denver and finally went away to find out the Time, & now Denver is lonesome for her heroes,
who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying for each other’s salvation and light and breasts, until the soul illuminated its hair for a second,
who crashed through their minds in jail waiting for impossible criminals with golden heads and the charm of reality in their hearts who sang sweet blues to Alcatraz,
who retired to Mexico to cultivate a habit, or Rocky Mount to tender Buddha or Tangiers to boys or Southern Pacific to the black locomotive or Harvard to Narcissus to Woodlawn to the daisychain or grave,
who demanded sanity trials accusing the radio of hypnotism & were left with their insanity & their hands & a hung jury,
who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturers on Dadaism and subsequently presented themselves on the granite steps of the madhouse with shaven heads and harlequin speech of suicide, demanding instantaneous lobotomy,
and who were given instead the concrete void of insulin Metrazol electricity hydrotherapy psychotherapy occupational therapy pingpong & amnesia,
who in humorless protest overturned only one symbolic pingpong table, resting briefly in catatonia,
returning years later truly bald except for a wig of blood, and tears and fingers, to the visible madman doom of the wards of the madtowns of the East,
Pilgrim State’s Rockland’s and Greystone’s foetid halls, bickering with the echoes of the soul, rocking and rolling in the midnight solitude-bench dolmen-realms of love, dream of life a nightmare, bodies turned to stone as heavy as the moon,
with mother finally ******, and the last fantastic book flung out of the tenement window, and the last door closed at 4 A.M. and the last telephone slammed at the wall in reply and the last furnished room emptied down to the last piece of mental furniture, a yellow paper rose twisted on a wire hanger in the closet, and even that imaginary, nothing but a hopeful little bit of hallucination—
ah, Carl, while you are not safe I am not safe, and now you’re really in the total animal soup of time—
and who therefore ran through the icy streets obsessed with a sudden flash of the alchemy of the use of the ellipsis catalogue a variable measure and the vibrating plane,
who dreamt and made incarnate gaps in Time & Space through images juxtaposed, and trapped the archangel of the soul between 2 visual images and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun and dash of consciousness together jumping with sensation of Pater Omnipotens Aeterna Deus
to recreate the syntax and measure of poor human prose and stand before you speechless and intelligent and shaking with shame, rejected yet confessing out the soul to conform to the rhythm of thought in his naked and endless head,
the madman bum and angel beat in Time, unknown, yet putting down here what might be left to say in time come after death,
and rose reincarnate in the ghostly clothes of jazz in the goldhorn shadow of the band and blew the suffering of America’s naked mind for love into an eli eli lamma lamma sabacthani saxophone cry that shivered the cities down to the last radio
with the absolute heart of the poem of life butchered out of their own bodies good to eat a thousand years.

II

What sphinx of cement and aluminum bashed open their skulls and ate up their brains and imagination?
Moloch! Solitude! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unobtainable dollars! Children screaming under the stairways! Boys sobbing in armies! Old men weeping in the parks!
Moloch! Moloch! Nightmare of Moloch! Moloch the loveless! Mental Moloch! Moloch the heavy judger of men!
Moloch the incomprehensible prison! Moloch the crossbone soulless jailhouse and Congress of sorrows! Moloch whose buildings are judgment! Moloch the vast stone of war! Moloch the stunned governments!
Moloch whose mind is pure machinery! Moloch whose blood is running money! Moloch whose fingers are ten armies! Moloch whose breast is a cannibal dynamo! Moloch whose ear is a smoking tomb!
Moloch whose eyes are a thousand blind windows! Moloch whose skyscrapers stand in the long streets like endless Jehovahs! Moloch whose factories dream and croak in the fog! Moloch whose smoke-stacks and antennae crown the cities!
Moloch whose love is endless oil and stone! Moloch whose soul is electricity and banks! Moloch whose poverty is the specter of genius! Moloch whose fate is a cloud of sexless hydrogen! Moloch whose name is the Mind!
Moloch in whom I sit lonely! Moloch in whom I dream Angels! Crazy in Moloch! Cocksucker in Moloch! Lacklove and manless in Moloch!
Moloch who entered my soul early! Moloch in whom I am a consciousness without a body! Moloch who frightened me out of my natural ecstasy! Moloch whom I abandon! Wake up in Moloch! Light streaming out of the sky!
Moloch! Moloch! Robot apartments! invisible suburbs! skeleton treasuries! blind capitals! demonic industries! spectral nations! invincible madhouses! granite cocks! monstrous bombs!
They broke their backs lifting Moloch to Heaven! Pavements, trees, radios, tons! lifting the city to Heaven which exists and is everywhere about us!
Visions! omens! hallucinations! miracles! ecstasies! gone down the American river!
Dreams! adorations! illuminations! religions! the whole boatload of sensitive bullshit!
Breakthroughs! over the river! flips and crucifixions! gone down the flood! Highs! Epiphanies! Despairs! Ten years’ animal screams and suicides! Minds! New loves! Mad generation! down on the rocks of Time!
Real holy laughter in the river! They saw it all! the wild eyes! the holy yells! They bade farewell! They jumped off the roof! to solitude! waving! carrying flowers! Down to the river! into the street!

III

Carl Solomon! I’m with you in Rockland
where you’re madder than I am
I’m with you in Rockland
where you must feel very strange
I’m with you in Rockland
where you imitate the shade of my mother
I’m with you in Rockland
where you’ve murdered your twelve secretaries
I’m with you in Rockland
where you laugh at this invisible humor
I’m with you in Rockland
where we are great writers on the same dreadful typewriter
I’m with you in Rockland
where your condition has become serious and is reported on the radio
I’m with you in Rockland
where the faculties of the skull no longer admit the worms of the senses
with you in Rockland
where you drink the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica
I’m with you in Rockland
where you pun on the bodies of your nurses the harpies of the Bronx
I’m with you in Rockland
where you scream in a straightjacket that you’re losing the game of the actual pingpong of the abyss
I’m with you in Rockland
where you bang on the catatonic piano the soul is innocent and immortal it should never die ungodly in an armed madhouse
I’m with you in Rockland
where fifty more shocks will never return your soul to its body again from its pilgrimage to a cross in the void
I’m with you in Rockland
where you accuse your doctors of insanity and plot the Hebrew socialist revolution against the fascist national Golgotha
I’m with you in Rockland
where you will split the heavens of Long Island and resurrect your living human Jesus from the superhuman tomb
I’m with you in Rockland
where there are twentyfive thousand mad comrades all together singing the final stanzas of the Internationale
I’m with you in Rockland
where we hug and kiss the United States under our bedsheets the United States that coughs all night and won’t let us sleep
I’m with you in Rockland
where we wake up electrified out of the coma by our own souls’ airplanes roaring over the roof they’ve come to drop angelic bombs the hospital illuminates itself imaginary walls collapse O skinny legions run outside O starry-spangled shock of mercy the eternal war is here O victory forget your underwear we’re free
I’m with you in Rockland
in my dreams you walk dripping from a sea-journey on the highway across America in tears to the door of my cottage in the Western night

San Francisco, 1955—1956

Christmas In The Heart

2010-12-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

This year during the Holidays I decided to pick up Dylan's Christmas album titled 'Christmas in the Heart'. It was released last year and all proceeds for the album go to a charity called 'Feeding America'.

I'll admit, when news came out last year that Dylan was putting out a Christmas album, my first thoughts were "this is gonna be terrible." I didn't pick it up and ignored the release completely. When I was looking for some music to play around the house wit my son for Christmas, I figured who better to turn to then the man himself.

The album is surprising really good. His voice actually sounds better on this album than on 'Together Through Life' which was released earlier in the year. It's clear that he took this release pretty seriously. My favorite track is 'Must Be Santa', which also is accompanied by an insane video. 'Little Drummer Boy' and 'The Christmas Blues' also stand out.

So if you're sick of the stale radio Christmas songs that make you want to swerve into the next telephone pole while driving, give this one a shot. Worst case scenario you made a donation to a good cause. Merry Christmas!

"Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon.
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Carter, Reagan, Bush, and Clinton"

>

The Fighter

2010-12-22T07:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I finally went and saw the movie 'The Fighter' at the local theater. It's a film about two brothers, both boxers, Micky Ward and Dickie Eklund. The film is set in my hometown of Lowell, Mass. Micky and Dickie are both uncles of one of my best friends growing up, Joe C. It was strange watching other people playing my friend's grandmother, and even his mother, who was one of the "sisters" in the movie.

The film starts with camera crews following Dickie around Lowell in different crack houses. Dickie was under the impression that they were making a film about his boxing comeback, but it was actually about the rise of the crack epidemic in Lowell. The name of the documentary is 'High on Crack Street: Lost Lives in Lowell'. I remember when this film aired on HBO, and how pissed off the family was about it. It's said the film crews actually gave Dickie crack for the sake of the film. It was pretty fucked up.

The movie goes on to tell the story about Micky's boxing career and his brother's (and trainer's) struggle with crack cocaine. Micky is faced with having to make tough decisions about his career when he his told that he should drop his brother as his trainer due to his problems by his girlfriend and potential promoters. This of course doesn't go over well with the tight knit Irish family.

Overall, I think the film gave a pretty accurate portrayal of Lowell in the 90's. It was, and still is, a tough working class city. I think the acting and the accents were pretty spot on. It was cool being able to go into a movie theater in Tahoe and be taken back to my hometown during a time when I was teenager, and actually knowing the family that was being portrayed. As we were watching the movie, my friend turned to me and said "Now I now why you swear so much."

My Mother Joanne and Micky Ward.

Sitting With Dementia

2010-12-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last night at our weekly zazen, a woman who I have not seen in a long time named Laura showed up with her mother to join us. She explained that her mom, I would guess around 90 years old, has dementia and might not be able to keep still or quiet for the duration of the sit. I told her that it was fine, not to worry. I went downstairs and grabbed a chair for her to sit in and explained to her that we were going to sit still in silence for about twenty five minutes. She nodded and put her hands into prayer position and I rang the bell.

At the end of the sitting period, I rang the bell and looked up and she was still sitting there with her eyes closed, hands in prayer position. Laura expained to me that she was Catholic and holding her hands that way was natural. I explained that I was born and raised Catholic and I completely understood. I was amazed at this woman's ability to sit completely still and in silence for that long considering her condition. It was powerful to say the least.

As they were leaving, we hugged and she looked at me and said "You're a good kid" and smiled.

Dylan in Lowell Tonight

2010-11-20T23:04:00.000-08:00

I wish I was home for this one... what a set list. I love how he added 'Gonna Change My Way of Thinking' to the set list. Slow Train Coming is a great album.....

It Ain't Me Babe, Love Sick, Simple Twist, Visions, and Tangled have been played heavily on the Ipod lately. Along with the entire Street Legal album.

Gonna Change My Way Of Thinking
It Ain't Me, Babe
Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again
...Love Sick
Rollin' And Tumblin'
Simple Twist Of Fate
Honest With Me
Visions Of Johanna
Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum
Tangled Up In Blue
Highway 61 Revisited
Not Dark Yet
Thunder On The Mountain
Ballad Of A Thin Man
Jolene
Like A Rolling Stone

Think For Yourself, Question Authority

2010-11-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

Earthlings

2010-10-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last night Alisha and I watched a documentary released in 2005 called 'Earthlings' narrated by Joaquin Phoenix. It's a powerful film that shows the pain and suffering animals go through for the sake of food, fashion, pets, entertainment and medical research. It shows extremely disturbing hidden footage that was shot at animal shelters, pet stores, puppy mills, factory farms, slaughterhouses, the leather and fur trades, sporting events, circuses and research labs. Even though the material is extremely graphic and disturbing, I think it's important that it is viewed and not ignored. It's easy not to watch this kind of stuff and just look the other way, but I feel we owe it to the animals who give their lives to feed and clothe us to see how they are treated. It's truly gut wrenching. The overall message is that we are all "earthlings" sharing this planet, and that speciesism, is no different than racism or sexism. The way these animals are treated is just wrong.

I don't want this to sound like it's a post promoting a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle. Everyone is obviously free to eat or wear whatever they want and I do not judge either way. I choose a vegetarian (not vegan) diet for many different reasons, and watching this documentary certainly added a few more.

Kyozan Joshu Roshi to Lead Retreat in Tempe, AZ

2010-10-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

On a little more of a positve note, if you do live in the Phoenix area, and are looking to practice with a legitmiate Zen Teacher, I recommend trying to get a spot at this retreat. Kyozan Joshu Roshi will be leading a three day retreat at Haku-un-ji Zen Center December 3, 4 & 5th in Tempe, AZ. I used to sit here a few nights a week, and every Sunday when I lived in Arizona. It's a beautiful little Zen Center run by Sokai and Shinkai, two really amazing people. I miss sitting there. When I was in town last year for a work conference, I made it a point to stop by and sit with them on a Tuesday night, it was great to catch up with old friends. I never had the opportunity to sit with with Sasaki-roshi, but I can imagine it's probably quite the experience.

"Kyozan Joshu Sasaki Roshi is a 103 year old Japanese Rinzai Zen teacher. He is the founder and abbot of Mt. Baldy Zen Center. One of his best known students is Canadian poet and singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen, who served as personal assistant to Joshu Sasaki during his 1990s seclusion to the Mt. Baldy monastery. Many of the poems in Cohen's 2006 Book of Longing refer to Mt. Baldy and Joshu Sasaki (mostly referred to as "Roshi")."

The Hungry Ghosts Movie

2010-10-09T07:46:00.001-07:00

This looks really good. Five New Yorkers — of different ages, races, backgrounds — hunger for sensual, emotional and spiritual fulfillment. Their intersecting and colliding paths reflect the zeitgeist of our times, in which the desperation of the West smacks up against the religious teachings of the East.

Written and directed by Michael Imperioli, former actor from the Soprano's.

Dylan To Visit Lowell Again...

2010-10-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

On November 20th, Dylan will visit my hometown and the birthplace of Jack Kerouac, Lowell, Mass to play a show at the Tsongas Arena. This will be the third time coming to Lowell since his amazing Rolling Thunder Revue Tour in 1975. Here'a a great clip of Dylan and Allen Ginsberg visiting Kerouac's grave in 1975 reading excerpts from Mexico City Blues.... (and a little Big Lebowski clip for the hell of it) and to all my friends back home... you might wanna catch this one...

Lowell Sun Article

Bob Dylan - The Man in Me (The Big Lebowski version) from mue on Vimeo.

Spiritual Materialism

2010-09-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

Part 1

Part 2

Eleven Headed Kannon Tattoo

2010-09-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic of a new tattoo that just got finished yesterday from my buddy Jeff at Ruby Lantern. It's an Eleven Headed Kannon, or Avalokiteshvara, or Kwan Yin.I got the idea from the enormous wooden statue in the Zendo at Sonoma Mountain Zen Center. Roshi gave a great talk about it that I refer to often. He says that the crown displays faces of different emotions.... ranging from happiness, to despair, hopelessness, anger, etc... and that she wears them as a crown on her head because she knows that they are a part of life, and there's no escaping them. She carries them with her. When we realize that all these feelings are part of life, we don't feel the need to take drastic measures. We learn to accept them, for exactly what they are.... emotions, that will eventually change. The top of the crown is awareness....Buddha.

Introduction by Charity Martin: Good morning. It is a great pleasure and honor to introduce to you this morning Jakusho Kwong-roshi, founder and abbot of Sonoma Mountain Zen Center and Dharma-heir of Suzuki-roshi and a great friend and mentor to our community. The word 'confluence' keeps coming to me. Where two rivers come together as one. In this moment, the coincidence of that. In this moment and this place, right now.

Roshi: Such a wonderful introduction, undeserved, completely. This confluence of streams coming together. Actually, it's so true that I don't doubt it anymore or I don't question it anymore. And it's really a big relief. Not to be discouraged when you step out and start engaging in the Dharma. It's when you expect something that's when the difficulty happens. We are human beings and are conditioned to expect something. But little by little, if you can give up expectations, there is a wonderful thing right behind it. In a way it's like hopelessness. The Kannon or Chenrezig statue standing right here in our zendo has eleven faces surrounding its head. The front faces are pretty calm looking. But as you follow the faces around her, there are three foreboding faces. Actually, not three, but all of them are foreboding. Things that we may encounter within the path. She wears all those faces, those horrible, those foreboding faces as a crown on her head. She wears it as a crown because she knows that's it. Each one of us actually will be forced to recognize it because each of us is a human being whether we practice or not. When we die, get sick, we come to hopelessness.

So, the last three of the foreboding faces is devastation. I used to be so strong. I can do ten things. I can do everything. You know how that storyline goes. Then things become spare and slow and you may say I can't do it. I am sick or something. I have cancer. The last stage is hopelessness. You may have some serious illness and search to understand your illness. And then there comes a point when no one can tell you anything anymore. But the disease, or the imbalance lingers and you start giving up. We have to give up. And the idea is to kill a part of yourself. That hopelessness doesn't mean resignation. Doesn't mean the end. But it does mean the end of this perpetual thinking machine. Because it's reached an edge, a line. You can't do anything. You have to trust the process. It may be like feeling you won't be the same as you were before. But if you are anxious and worried it’s of no help. It's easy for me to say this, but I know what it's like. You have to give up. And when you give up: that's where it is. It's a whole new landscape.

I just came back from Iceland. A whole new landscape. Someone said, "This must be the end of the world". When the astronauts first went to the moon, they took it to Iceland. (Laughter from listeners) “Get used to this.” The thing they didn't tell astronauts about was space. The emptiness. Some of them have experienced it. But this emptiness or hopelessness doesn't sound like a good thing, yet it is really a very rich place to be.

We talk about two streams joining but actually, all streams join. Every tradition, every human being, every creed. But they don't know this. This is why there is big turmoil in the world now. I don't know but maybe it's getting so bad it forces people to face this fact. It's got to be really bad, then it forces people to look inside. It doesn't seem like anything is working outside. And I think of all the new faces here and that's the best place to be, just where you are.

This big introduction, dharma heir, practicing nearly fifty years, all this undeserved credit. I'm no bigger than you. And some day, you keep on the path, and the most important thing is you continue your practice, in an individual way, but come together and practice. That's really dynamite. And to practice with another community from a different tradition, that's extra dynamite. As Rinpoche said, when two traditions or many traditions come together something sparks! (laughter from everyone) Because who is hosting whom? Are we the guests or are we the hosts? No! We're the hosts. (laughter).

Actually I was with my teacher a very short period of time, just ten years. That's not very long. Then Roshi died in 1971. And it left a big hole in what we were to do. It threw each one of us back on ourselves. What are we going to do? I just had a very simple idea. Maybe sit together with a group of people but I didn't know you had to have some kind of credentials to do that, so I was criticized. I really was ignorant - I just didn't know. I just thought, get together with a group of people to sit was the best way. At the same time when I was maturing or becoming a man, I shaved my head. And I had to become a teacher through the training. Becoming a teacher is a very scary thing because I thought I couldn't make a mistake. What kind of teacher is that, making one mistake after another, one continuous mistake.

So, after you’re sixty years old, you have made all the possible mistakes you can make. When you are getting on the airplane and you are wheeling your luggage along, all the wheels come off your cart. The handle falls off. Everything that can happen has happened. The Koreans say after sixty you have passed through the twelve astrological charts. You have passed through everything. Almost everything. But still there is more. You can grow your hair long. I did it once, and I looked like Elvis Presley. So I shaved it off. Becoming a teacher means I couldn't be myself. Not being myself, I couldn't make any mistakes. So at Kobun Chino's funeral service I was the speaker and I was asked to offer incense. My hand was shaking. What kind of teacher is that when the hand shakes? It could mean we are self-conscious, very afraid or have tremendous energy. I'm shaking and they are making me shake. And so I shake so much. I didn't feel bad about it. My hand is shaking. There is the Zen saying, "You're sleeping". What happens, is that you are having a dream. When you are sleeping you are, in the dream, in a big building with many rooms and the person in the next room is pounding rice. He's pounding rice in a rice pounder. As you are sleeping it affects your dreaming as you hear the boom, boom, boom. It affects your dreaming so that you think you are dreaming something else. It is affecting your dream like some fine music. But when you wake up, you KNOW it's a rice pounder. This is Zen. When you wake up you KNOW it's a rice pounder. During that shaking I said, "my hand is shaking". Actually it still shakes. I think it will always shake and I am happy about that. So I said to a monk from Japan, "could you put this incense in for me?" And he did. So that was okay.

There are a lot of times things have happened. I had an idea after I was ordained that I would wear my robes wherever I went---as a monk---to see what it was like. I had an idea, it was just an idea, but it caused havoc. I walked down Chinatown. The robes are long and black. Everyone parted, like the Red Sea, for me. Then, when I arrived at my mother-in-law's house she saw me and her mouth got paralyzed. And then, as I was doing commercial artwork my butterfly sleeves would get caught in the elevator door. I would look around to see if anyone was watching to see if I made a mistake. Everything happens. It's a wonderful teaching because it's naked. You can see who you are and what you are. But I still don't want to be that. (Roshi laughs) I want to be more perfect. So, little by little, I became a teacher in some sense and I became myself. The two are now together.and I am very happy.

Practice is synonymous with becoming awake. You can't separate the two. So think about what you read, and put it into practice. Activate it. See if it's true. It's your life. See if it's true. You hear something, you practice it. Practice is actually realization. The word practice, in the ancient ideogram, is like an intersection where the horizontal meets the vertical. And that's practice, right there where the relative meets the absolute. Right there. In the Kagyu lineage in the Zen lineage --- long years of sitting. Be prepared. Just long, long, difficult, wonderful Zazen. But sometimes I hate, just hate zazen. And I hate holding my water. And then when you find a good seat, something else happens. But it keeps on going through. And we must learn to stop shopping. That's great. What a relief. You found something. I can't say that we complete something but we stick with it. Don't give it up. Keep going straight no matter what happens. No one can do it for you.

Teachers like Rinpoche and Suzuki-roshi became our examples. It was also pretty hard for them, too, you know. Roshi said to me, "What do you think about the Sangha?" I could hardly talk. I think I kind of just failed him all those years. I wanted to be a perfect student. When I came for interview - we only had an interview once a year. We were a small group. He (Roshi) would look out the window to see who was coming for Zazen. I was very self-conscious and terribly withdrawn. Lots of Zazen students are very withdrawn, not extroverted, by far. Maybe being extroverted is found more in the Rinzai tradition. But Soto students say, "How come people can't get together? People hardly talk to each other". So one day I had my appointment with Suzuki-roshi. Time came for the interview and the bell rang and I went in. He looked at me and probably tried to make no judgment about me and thought, oh no, it's this guy again. I just sat in front of him and I was trembling inside. I was afraid he could see my imperfection. Of course. I was trying to hide it. Then a long time passed. Roshi got out a piece of paper and a pen and asked, "Can you write your name?" I even had a hard time doing that. He knew my father was a Chinese doctor and he said, "Maybe in the evening you should have a glass of wine. Just to relax. Do you think your father would approve of that?"

View From A Moving Train

2010-09-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a chapter from my Teacher's book 'No Beginning, No End' which was just recently re-published by Shambala Publications. If you haven't read it yet, you should... it's a great read.

"Whenever I give a talk, the listeners and I may find ourselves in a paradoxical situation: as words and phrases can often become abstractions, I try to explain something that can’t be explained, and the listeners try to hear something that can’t be heard. Since by necessity this is the situation, we can sympathize with each other—me with you for that which you can’t hear, and you with me for that which I can’t say. At the same time I can always strike my stick on the floor, Bam!, so at least this is possible. Maybe I can’t explain it, but I can demonstrate it, and then the rest is up to you.

This can cause a certain amount of frustration on your side and loneliness on mine. But the bigger question is, How can we come together? And how can we realize ourselves? When we chant phrases like, “for all sentient beings,” it’s pretty abstract. But it becomes less abstract when we begin to find out what this sentient being is, and that includes discovering that things go into making up this sentient being. All of our dualistic thoughts and deluded feelings, whether they’re good or bad, whether we like them or not, constitute a sentient being. Our meditation practice is not about trying to deny these aspects of ourselves. Many people have this misunderstanding, but the truth is quite the opposite.

In Poland, where I have some students, I met with a woman who is in her early sixties. Since the end of World War II all of her memories of the war have been suppressed. For some reason, however, at this time of her life all of her memories are returning and surfacing. What is she to do with them? What are any of us to do with the content of our mind? How can each of us work with our own situation? This is the practice of meditation.

Each one of us holds the very same wish and aspiration: to be able to work with the difficulties that life brings us, based on the awareness we cultivate through our practice. As you continue your journey and your practice grows, you will see that there’s a beginning and a middle and an end that, in reality, are all the same. For convenience, or because we are speaking about it, we separate this One, this Same, into three parts, but actually it is just One. In time you will discover this for yourselves, unless you become scared and run off—which believe it or not, happens frequently. But what comes up in our meditation is not new. It’s old stuff, and you can only run off so many times before you realize that there’s no need to run anymore. For many people that’s the moment when their practice begins to engage.

The late Uchiyama Roshi explained that there is a seed or cause that has auspiciously brought you in contact with the path. This alone points you in the direction of dharma. This is one interpretation of dharma: looking for something that seems to be missing. Maybe some truth is what is lacking in life, and at a certain point we are actually able to experience this. Either through our grief, or our experience of sickness, or loss, or a change in a relationship, or just a feeling of impermanence that is no longer tolerable, we begin to look and to quest, and we begin to practice zazen as part of that quest.

What zazen really is has been explained in many different ways. Suzuki Roshi used to say shikantaza is our zazen, but as I’ve mentioned, the words and phrases used to express Zen practice can sound pretty abstract, and almost any explanation is conceptual. It can’t really touch the experience itself. Suzuki Roshi put it very simply: “Just to be ourselves.” Four words, but what they express is so deep and so subtle that we miss it until we begin slowing down. He said our practice is following our breath. But the true meaning of this, the deep meaning, is that you are vividly alive. The method says to follow your breath, but its meaning is that you are invisibly present and alive, just like a spinning top that goes faster and faster until it disappears. Without method, without expectation, without counting your breath, you are alive moment to moment, alive in this space that is nowhere else but right here within yourself. Others have said that zazen or shikantaza means being present in this very moment, but even that’s not it. It’s being the moment. It’s being each moment after moment after moment—in zazen, before zazen, and after zazen as well. And of course that’s the manifestation or actualization of your original mind. “Just to be ourselves.” This is shikantaza.

Every year when I travel to meet with students in Poland, the schedule is very intense. Last year when I was standing beside a window on a hot and crowded train going from Gdansk to Warsaw, just watching the scenery go by, suddenly I became acutely aware that my breath had become naturally deeper than it had been before. After some time I became aware of the sound of my breath and began to follow it. It was very wonderful because I was unaware that more than three hours passed by. I felt only that I was being embraced by the sound’s traveling.

You pass a lot of scenery when you’re on a train. In Poland we passed devastated environments, broken-down homes and the families who live in them watching the train while standing or working outside, lots of garbage and litter everywhere (I did see some good graffiti, too!) and also beautiful forests and plains. I was receiving all of this as it passed by, and at the same time I was aware of my breath. Even though I had been standing the entire time, after the train reached its destination I got off and felt completely renewed.

When you practice like this, you receive everything you see on the inhalation of the breath. You don’t pretend not to see it. In our contemporary lives we pretend a lot in order to protect ourselves. There’s TV, newspapers with bad news, city noises and so many other things that seem to be assaulting us. But no matter what it is, you can take it in, and because you do receive it, on the exhalation you can let it out. You let it go. This is the shikantaza breath. It can be compared to the alchemy of turning lead into gold. You fill up with your sorrow or anger or any other feeling that you usually try to avoid, and by doing so you acknowledge that it is there. But this is only part of the practice, because the fact that you have done it means that, on the exhale, you release it and let it go. It actually needs this acknowledgment in order to be really released.

It’s a little odd, but in general we tend not to be aware of other people’s anger, or even our own anger, despite the fact that our whole meditation practice is about awareness. What you can do, what you can’t do, what you want or don’t want to do, is still about awareness. Our practice is to have the courage to actually feel and accept these aspects of being human. They’re just a small part of us and our practice will help us to make room so that we can receive and feel these things and therefore let them go without attaching to them, just as you receive and release the passing scenery when you’re on a train.

I think it’s pretty true to say that we’re all on a train. The scenery is going by quickly and you can’t hold on to anything; you have to stay and keep going down the track. It’s when you hold on to something, or even try to hold on, that you are not on the train anymore. But our way tells us to release what we are holding so that we can keep going and stay on track. What it really comes down to is the wisdom and compassion of non-avoidance. You just keep going, and as you do, you can work with the practice called the compassion breath. Then you know how to transmute what you see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think every day. Compassion breath involves, on the inhalation, taking in suffering—your own or someone else’s—and on the exhalation letting it go. And the truth is that, with practice, this process helps you learn to be kind to yourself and to all beings as well.

We have the capacity to take in an enormous amount of negativity and to let it go its way. We don’t avoid anything because we know we can work with it. Most people don’t know what to do when they notice unwanted thoughts and feelings within themselves, or see a dead animal on the road, or killing on television shows or in the news, or the many homeless and starving people right beside them as they walk down the street. And then there’s drugs, alcohol, AIDS and cancer. People feel overwhelmed, and the result is that often their hearts turn hard and cold. I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true. The normal response to these things would be that everyone should be crying—this is the awakening of compassion—but the ignorance of sentient beings causes us to continue to enhance samsara. The practice of compassion breath allows our hearts to remain soft and open while our spirit and life-force are replenished. And our tears are part of this replenishment, an important part. You do not have to be a Buddhist to do this: it is meant to be used by all human beings, everywhere, even while standing on a train.

The Tibetan Buddhist nun Ani Tenzin Palmo said that compassion practice is a form of discipline. Most people really don’t like discipline, but it’s necessary. Maybe it would be easier to say it’s preparation, but whatever word we use, we need discipline and preparation for the effort to stay on the train and allow the scenery to go by. Pretty soon, even before you know it, you’ll be sixty, and that’s not so old. Scenery changes quickly.

When you’re a child, a day seems to last a long time. Sometimes at the grocery store in town you may see a father holding a baby, and the baby is completely surrendered into the father’s arms. The child’s body/mind shows its purity and trust. As the child becomes older, naturally it wants to grow in all ways. Then in almost no time at all summer holidays don’t come so often, the seasons drift by, new babies are born and at a certain age friends start dying. This is true for every one of us. But regardless of what age we are, we should do our best to see the whole picture.

When we talk about “saving all sentient beings,” we are talking about everyone in that picture and also all forms of life. But the real meaning of the phrase remains beyond our reach and again is pretty abstract. Our practice can help you to make a good start toward breaking down that abstraction by revealing how you can take in and release your suffering, which includes the suffering of others. It’s not uncommon at the beginning of this practice for people to feel a little afraid to allow suffering to come in. If this is true in your case, you can practice imagining yourself doing it, or pretending, until you see what’s actually there. The point is that as you begin to do this, little by little you are actually transforming what you receive. And little by little from the particular you make your way into universal suffering by imagining all the other people in the world with the same feelings and conditions you have, who are suffering exactly like you. Now your suffering is in the right perspective, and it’s no longer personal.

Compassion practice includes your active participation in accepting this suffering, but that is not all. At the same time that you take all of this in and then release it, there still is the blue sky and the bright morning sun shining on the green grass, though even a dark sky will do. And you begin to realize that confusion and suffering are also void, empty and nonsubstantial.

Do you understand? You’re on a train, and the scenery is going by. Included in the scenery are all the ways in which you project upon yourself, abuse yourself or create a dialogue within yourself that occupy a whole day, or three days or maybe a week, and still you aren’t aware of it.

Then at the end of the day you’re so tired, completely exhausted, but still you’re on the train, holding on, and the tighter you hold on to the passing scenery, the more the train seems to drag to a stop. In reality the train doesn’t stop, it continues on, living dying living dying, but in our deluded understanding we’ve stopped the train. We’ve even gotten off the train! The fabrication or delusional system of our small minds is that powerful. We believe we’ve stopped the whole train and gotten off, and maybe we’ve even stayed for a couple of days or months. Some people pass their entire lives this way. But the train is going on. Believe it or not, it continues on. And while it does, while this whole drama flies through space and time, you can actually apply your compassion practice to engage your suffering and the suffering you see in the world around you, and experience how to let the grip go. Even doing this much begins to transform all that lead into gold.

In the late 1970’s the Tibetan teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche introduced to his community certain practices for difficult times. He was one of the most controversial and influential Tibetan teachers to transmit dharma to the West, and he and Suzuki Roshi had a very close relationship that our traditions continue to this day. There’s really nothing in Zen like the compassionate breathing practice he introduced us to. We’re so fortunate to have some kind of practice that can work with the unwanted thoughts and feelings that cause suffering and fear.

When Rinpoche first said to us, “Let’s try to take on the suffering of other people,” he was quite shocked at the response. Most of the students said they didn’t want to do it. Suzuki Roshi wanted to encourage us in the same direction, but he was more subtle and mild, and so he would say the same thing but in a gentle way. He would say that “the bodhisattva path” or “to help other people” is our way. But the truth is that most of us were not really on the Mahayana path; we were just interested in our own self-realization. Suzuki Roshi knew this, and I think that’s why he presented it in the way he did. And it did help us, because we do have to realize which track we are on.

It is said that having the capacity, the foundation and the vessel to take on the suffering of others is one of the great joys, because you can make someone else happy, not just yourself. Of course, we usually do not realize, as we do this for someone, that the other person’s joy includes our joy, too. But when you focus just on yourself, your universe becomes small and smaller. Eventually it becomes as tiny as the head of a pin. That’s it. There’s no spaciousness. There’s no room for joy. There’s no humor. There’s no curiosity. There’s no discovery. In this way your world becomes so diminished that you have imprisoned yourself within your own conditioned mind.

There are more than six billion other people in the world at this time, and many of them look exactly like you. It’s true. They have a character and karmic pattern just like you. I see students from around the world quite a bit, and I can see an American, a Pole, an Icelander, a Chinese, and for each country there is an equal. When I was in Iceland recently, I saw someone walking down the street, and I said, “Oh, there’s Gary! In Iceland!” You really do wonder sometimes when you see the same karmic force, the same values and ideas, the same features, build and color as someone on the other side of the world.

Think of all the people who have the same feeling you have, maybe of failure or of anger at someone. Sometimes when we become very angry, we can do something about it in the situation, and sometimes we can’t. So who do you beat up? Guess. You know the answer—the closest one to you is yourself. And you do it even though you may not be aware that you are doing it. This is why we have to become softer. We just need to be kinder to ourselves because we deserve it. Why beat ourselves up? Isn’t it better to just let go of the dialogue? Let it go completely? We’ve been doing this for thirty, forty, fifty years. It’s very strong conditioning. And our compassion is the practice of unconditioning. We already have the discipline, and we already have the strength, so all we have to do is to let it go. Little by little allow the old story line to dissolve.

But it isn’t so easy. Even when we decide to take on the practice of acknowledging and letting go, we may fear that if we do let go, something terrible may happen to us. Probably something even worse. You may be in the present, but it can be quite frightening to be in the present. Let me assure you that being in the present won’t hit you like the first time you smoked marijuana or had some LSD or peyote or whatever new “designer drug” people are taking these days. It won’t overwhelm you like that because it’s organic. It comes from within.

When Hoitsu Suzuki Roshi went out for a smoke one day, Sojun Weitsman’s little boy asked him, “Roshi, what are you doing?” This is the ultimate Zen question you have to ask yourselves: “What are you doing? What’s going on?” If you do this, you will begin to not accept habit or impulse as your way of life.

When you are practicing, please remember that your breathing is very important. Even those of us who sit every day may forget to apply it, but do your best to remember the breathing. On the inhalation you take in some of the suffering—either your own or someone else’s—and on the exhalation you let it go. Repeat this three or four times: receiving and releasing, taking in and letting go. Then you may move from the personal to the universal. That’s it. Even if you’re not practicing this on an intense schedule, if you just practice it for a minute or two or three when you’re sitting or standing in your ordinary life, you will have some experience you can begin to rely on. This is true even when you’re doing it for someone who’s quite far away from you or who is dead. Try it. Do it for someone who is alive, someone you do not like or someone who is dying. It will also clean up your own negativity, your own karma. This compassion breath will burn it up.

Once I painted a traditional Zen circle made in just one stroke, known in Japanese as an enso, and wrote inside of it, “Breath sweeps mind.” Just the sound of the breath painted it. We can hardly hear our breath because we are so busy listening to our thinking all the time. Twenty-four hours a day, just the same. Are we that conditioned that we don’t get tired of it? You may say yes, but maybe you aren’t tired enough. You say you are, but I’m not convinced, because when you really are tired enough, you will change. Your behavior will begin to change, and you will take up this practice wholeheartedly. Life isn’t that long, and besides, no one else can do it for you. You’re the only one who can turn your lead, your heavy stuff, into gold. That’s all you have to do, and you can do it through the breath. That’s what we practice in zendo, and that’s what you can practice outside, in the bigger zendo, in action.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama has said many times that it is not the Buddhist way just to accept something on faith. We should put everything to the test and decide for ourselves whether to have faith in it. So there is a relationship between action and faith in the buddhadharma. That’s why I encourage you to put this practice to the test. You can start by taking a look and seeing for yourself where you spend most of your life. In bed? On your feet? On your seat? And while you’re there, what is it that you are doing? What do you long for? Everything to change? Nothing to change?

Somewhere deep within most of us we’re not convinced that we can really make a shift or change. When we hear a teaching such as this, something inside of us is conditioned to reject it and say it’s just another fantasy we shouldn’t take seriously. So I don’t know what it takes. Our conditioning is so strong that maybe the rug has to be pulled from beneath our feet, or the whole floor has to drop away. Believe me, I know from my own experience. Even when I was in the hospital after a cancer operation, I was still smoking. Can you believe it? That’s how stupid we are! I had a carton of cigarettes in my lower drawer. That’s how much I was in denial and unaware of addiction. But whatever we practice is what we get. It’s really true. So if you’re practicing abusing yourself, all I can say is that it’s not beneficial to yourself or others.

That’s why I want to encourage you to try. Even though your delusion practice is excellent and maintains its energy, exhausting and undermining you at the end of the day, and you get carried away with it every time, you should still try. At least during meditation practice, when it comes up, you can be aware of it. And gradually in your world, in the big zendo in action, you can become aware of it. You have some way to work with your conditioning, your life and your world: some real way that is not abstract but solid, to help you stay on the train."

This is the Answer

2010-09-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

No Separation

2010-09-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

I recently picked up Brad Warner's new book titled 'Sex, Sin, and Zen- A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything In Between'. So far it's a good read, right up there with his previous books. This passage was one of those "highlight" passages for me. It kind of came out of nowhere and floored me a bit. Here, Brad does what he does best by putting extremely difficult topics into terms that your average reader can understand. Wrap your mind around this......

"Buddhists do not view human beings as discrete, unconnected units who are able to move about the playing board of life like the little plastic shoe or the little plastic hat on a Monopoly board. Instead, we see individual human beings as something like the visible crests of waves. The ocean manifests itself as waves that can be seen as discreet units. We might even be able to name the waves the way we name people and pets and planets, if we really wanted to. But the waves are made up of nothing more than the ocean of which they are a part, and when they're done being waves they become undifferentiated parts of the ocean again. In the Buddhist understanding of things, individual human beings are no more apart from each other than the waves are apart from the ocean. The interaction between the waves goes miles deeper than just the way they might superficially splash up against each other at the very top of the ocean."

Fuel for the Fire

2010-09-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

It was nice to get back to Sonoma Mountain again this weekend. It's been a few months since I unrolled my sleeping bag in the dark yurt and woke up at 4:45 am on a Saturday to the booming sound of the bonsho ringing throughout the temple grounds. Zazen. Splitting firewood to provide fuel for the fire that will be used for heat during the fast approaching winter. A busy silence.

The remainder of the weekend was spent hanging out with good friends from Lowell in Petaluma, CA. We cooked out, drank some wine, played Taboo by the fire, and bounced around the downtown area. It's been a life saver to have so many friends so close by.

.... and here's a close to perfect song.

The Laughing Heart

2010-09-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

Tom Waits Reads Bukowski....

tom reads hank

b☻b | MySpace Video

Cinema Zen

2010-09-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a passage I read last night before bed that just made sense...

A student asked Zen Master Seung Sahn, " I have this teaching about cutting off thinking, inside and outside becoming one, and believing in my true self. I have heard this so many times but I do not know if it is possible me. How can I believe in my true self 100%? It seems so difficult."

"Very easy! Do you have 10 dollars? I will show you for ten dollars!"

"Ten dollars? What does ten dollars have to do with---"

"Only buy a movie ticket! haha! When you go to the movies, what kind of mind to you have then?"

"I just watch."

"Just watch? So you can already believe your eyes. You can believe your ears. That means you can believe in your true self. Inside and outside already become one. Before the movie, your habit-mind is always checking, checking, checking. After the movie, your mind returns to thinking, thinking, thinking. But while you watch this movie, there is no thinking. Have you ever seen Star Wars? Spaceships flying through the sky, many bombs exploding, the good guys chasing the bad men. At that time, you are only 'Ahhh! That's wonderful!'. When someone in the movie is happy, you are happy. When someone in the movie is sad, you also become sad. You and the movie become one; there is no inside and outside. At that time during the movie, there is no thinking. You are not planning for tomorrow, or regretting yesterday. There are no random thoughts to follow. Only- boom!- you become one with the action in this movie: it can make you laugh or cry or feel angry.

"So, watching a movie is true Zen mind. At that time, you believe in your true self 100%. After the movie, thinking appears, and you suffer. You fall back into believing the movie in your head. Ha ha ha! So, if you still don't believe in your true self 100%, you must go to the movies all day, every day. Then no problems, OK!

"OK!"

Passage taken from 'Wanting Enlightenment is a BIG MISTAKE' by Seung Sahn

1st Annual Sonoma Mandala Bazaar

2010-09-05T09:10:00.001-07:00

This weekend, my son and I visited Sonoma Mountain Zen Center to attend the Mandala Bazaar. It was a benefit for the Mandala Project, a huge fundraiser to help raise funds for a new zendo and other buildings on the grounds. Local vendors and artists came with contemporary pottery, paintings, photographs and textile art. There was also plenty of great food ranging from homemade pies and cookies to full on lunch plates. Throughout the festival there was taiko drumming, traditional Japanese tea ceremony, shakuhachi flute, and Kyudo "Way of the Bow" demonstration.

We got in Friday night and enjoyed some pizza with the residents before retiring to our cabin for the night. Waking up early, we enjoyed some scrambled eggs and oatmeal, then took a hike down to Suzuki-roshi's Stupa and paid our respect. Traditionally, when you visit the stupa, you circumambulate it 3 times, and pour some water over it. We spent some time there, then headed back and played a little tee-ball in the field while the vendors set up.

As I was walking through the vendors, I noticed this amazing painting of Kwong-roshi called "Sitting In Delusion". I spoke to the artist about it and I told him that I remembered seeing that photo of him in the Dokusan room. He smiled and said "yeah... exactly... it's probably about 30 years old." I ended up buying a print of it, which is limited to around 200. (If anyone's interested, let me know... I have his contact info."

Kev had a great day playing tee-ball and running around the grounds with the rest of the kids, and it was good for me to get back up to the Zen Center. It's been a few months since I visited there, and it reminded me how important it is to make those trips.

The highlight was seeing Roshi out and about after months of suffering from shingles. I got to talk to him a little and see how he was feeling. It looks like he'll be back to the regular schedule pretty soon. I have to admit, it's been tough having him out of commission like that. When you used to seeing him or talking to him at least once a month. It was surely a true test of practice for both Roshi and his students... Here are some pics...

Tangled Up In (Tahoe) Blue

2010-08-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

Had a great time watching Dylan play again this year at Lake Tahoe. I don't know how the guy does it. He's 69 years of age and he has been touring the world non-stop since I saw him almost exactly one year ago. The highlights for me were 'It's All Over Now Baby Blue', 'Just Like a Woman', 'Tryin' To Get to Heaven', and 'Tangled Up In Blue'. Some of my all time favorite tunes. He sounded great, his band sounded great. The crowd was a lot smaller this time around than last though. I went with my friend Lisa, and we were both surprised how many seats were still left open. I figured most of the people probably had their fill when he played last year, plus he played with Willie Nelson which drew a huge crowd. (and ticket prices aren't gettin' any cheaper either)

All, in all.... I try never to pass up an opportunity to watch a legend perform. At his age, you never know when he's gonna call it quits and I don't wanna say "damn it... should've saw him last year when I had the chance" Some say he should retire and quit touring.... I say "keep on keepin' on". His presence alone is worth the price of admission.

Are you the Zen guy!?

2010-08-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

As I was driving down from Tahoe to lead the Thursday night sitting group in Carson, I was listening to an old hardcore band from Connecticut called Cable. I guess I didn't realize how loud my radio was because as I was pulling into the driveway, there was a woman outside practicing yoga before before we sat. As a pulled in, I looked over and she was giving me this look like "who the hell are you and why are you disrupting my peacefulness?" As I got out of my car, I looked over and said hello. She stood glaring at me still, looking like she was ready to just pack it up and leave. She replied "Are you the Zen guy?" I smiled and replied, "yup!" Then she replied, "This sounds promising."

It was at that point I thought she was being completely sarcastic, but she continued to say that she had just finished reading Dharma Punx, a book her son had gave her, and she absolutely loved it. She said she was concerned about coming tonight because she thought it would be New Age weird stuff. (the same fears I had going to my first sitting) She started laughing and telling me how nervous she was and how much she was looking forward to sitting.

I guess the one thing I was reminded of was, just be yourself.

Perfect Day

2010-07-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

Just a perfect day
Drink sangria in the park
And then later, when it gets dark, we'll go home
Just a perfect day
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later a movie too, and then home

Oh it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you
Oh such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging x2

Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone
Weekenders on our own
It's such fun

Just a perfect day
You make me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone good

You're going to reap just what you sow
You're going to reap just what you sow
You're going to reap just what you sow
You're going to reap just what you sow

Dylan's Song About Zen Mind

2010-07-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

Here is a great talk by Taigen Dan Leighton about Dylan's song Visions Of Johanna and it's relationship with a zen sesshin. He plays each verse and gives commentary on it... I love it.... He says at one point that someone thought it was about hell, and someone in the crowd says "What's the difference?" It's true.... sesshin can be absolute hell sometimes. I doubt that Dylan actually had sesshin in mind when he wrote Visions, but it's an amazing talk, with great observations and commentary with a point of view that I've never heard before on a song that has the most abstract lyrics I've ever heard.... check it out.....

Dylan's Song About Zen Mind

"muttering small talk at the wall"

Visions of Johanna from ramonramon on Vimeo.

On The Road Movie

2010-07-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

Still busy busy busy. Having a great summer though. Spent a great 4th of July weekend with my friends from Lowell out in Petaluma, Sebastapol, Santa Rosa and North Beach in San Fran for the 4th. We had a great cook out on that Saturday that took us into the early hours of the morning. It's been great to be able to connect with everyone again, we had a blast all weekend. I'll be making more trips over there in the future.. it's great having them so close.

Here's some info on the cast for the adaptation of Kerouac's On The Road movie. I used to row with Garret Hedlund's mom in Tempe AZ a few years ago. I remember her telling me that her son was in line for that role and was really excited about it....and he ended up getting it! I think that's great... he'll do an amazing job.

Poison Arrow

2010-06-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

I read this last night and liked it......

Poison Arrow

BY ZEN MASTER SEUNG SAHN
From a Dharma Talk in South Africa, 1989

Many people in this world want explanation, explanation, explanation,
explanation. Go to a university library: many, many books – that’s all
thinking! I went to Harvard University to give a Dharma Speech. Harvard
University makes many books. Many people read these books and make this
world complicated. Why make this world complicated? All over America is
this Harvard University head – Harvard University consciousness. So burning
all the books is necessary – then no problem! Ha ha ha! (everyone laughs)

Too much understanding! Too much understanding, then you have a problem,
okay?

Many Indian people shoot poison arrows. Pssheu! If somebody comes in here
with a poison arrow, taking it out is necessary. If he says “Don’t take it out!
This arrow comes from where? Who shoots it? Why did he shoot?” – many
things, thinking, thinking, thinking — then this man will die.

This checking is not necessary. First take out this arrow, then no poison
around. Many people do not take out the arrow – “This arrow comes from
where? Why shoot? Who shoots? When shoot?” – checking, checking,
checking. Then this man already dies.

That’s human beings: “Why is there this suffering? Suffering comes from
where? Why is this world complicated?” Only checking, checking, checking.
Not “What am I? Don’t know!”, then already checking mind disappears.
Only don’t know mind already takes out this arrow. First take out the arrow,
then checking is no problem. Okay? If I am checking the arrow, only
checking, checking, then I die – everybody dies.

In the whole world there are five billion people, always checking, checking,
checking, and dying. Never “What am I?” Only a few people do that: so you
are special. “What am I? What am I?” Don’t check, only “What am I?”, then
the poison is already gone, the arrow is already out, then no problem. Only
keep don’t-know mind, then no problem. But lose the don’t-know mind and
already you have the poison inside. So don’t check, only don’t know, moment
to moment just do it, do it, do it. Then everything is no problem.

Carson One Day Sitting

2010-06-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the coffee shop finishing up my coffee getting ready to head to the beach to relax for a bit. This weekend, beginning on Friday night, we had a One Day Sitting in Carson City. Demian Kwong (Kwong-roshi's son) was kind enough to come over from Sonoma Mt. Zen Center to lead it for us. There were seven of us who started the day at 5:30 am and spent the day in complete silence sitting zazen. This actually came at a perfect time for me. I've been wicked busy with work, moving, and parenting. The day was like a housecleaning of my mind. There is so much junk that comes up when you're just sitting facing a wall trying to pay attention to your breath. By the end of the day, I was so sick of my stories and problems that it was like there was nothing left. A clean slate. I felt very even.

Demian gave a great talk as well on how our 'conditioned mind' can sometimes be our worst enemy. He mentioned that this practice, helps to re-condition our conditioned mind. I should be getting the audio for it, so I will post it later with some pics.

I'm heading back into Carson later on for my friends Jason and Christina's wedding party. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and shooting the shit for a while. It's beautiful outside now... time to leave.

Settling In

2010-06-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote on here. I've been wicked busy with work and moving and such. I don't have internet hooked up at the new pad yet, so I've been just hitting wi-fi spots when I can. I'm finally pretty much settled in. It's been a great couple of weeks. I've a bunch a great people already, and a lot that grew up in the Boston area. The weather has been beautiful and the air up here is definitely something to write home about. I've pretty much found time everyday to just go down to the beach and stare at the lake for a while. It's been extremely meditative.

Yesterday something extremely out of the ordinary happened at work. A big rig truck overshot an emergency runway ramp and crashed into a home. Unfortunately the driver of the truck did not make it, but the fire department was able to safely evacuate the residents. I've never seen anything like this in my life. It was absolutely devastating. You can read about it here. You just never know what the hell is gonna happen. Unfortunately it takes disasters like these sometimes to remind us.

I'm gonna hit a nice 10k trail run in Tahoe City tomorrow morning.... unfortunately I'm on call for work and won't be able to spend Father's Day with Kev.

Fudo Myo-o Tattoo (Complete)

2010-06-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

Here's some pics of my recently finished Fudo Myo-o tattoo, my buddy Jeffrey did an amazing job... it was done at Ruby Lantern in Carson City, NV.

Working, Running, and Moving

2010-05-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a few weeks since I posted on here, no particular reason except for the fact that I have been extremely busy. Work started picking up for the better recently and the majority of my days are spent outside up at Lake Tahoe for the summer. Things have been good overall though. I'm still packing, getting ready for my move next week. I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery. I have a half marathon lined out for the end of June that I'll be running. It appears to be a great trail run with some amazing views. I'm just going to run it and enjoy it, instead of trying to kill myself for some record time.

This weekend I have my son, and we are celebrating his 3rd birthday which is June 1st. We spent the day at Chucky Cheeses' playing games and riding on the rides, it was a blast. After that we spent some time in Toys R Us so he could pick out his present. He decided to go with a nice Iron Man figure. We've been playing that and Transformers most of the afternoon. Thinking bout' the movies tomorrow afternoon, maybe that 'How to Train Your Dragon' flick. We watched 'The Fantastic Mr. Fox' last night. It was great... a classic Wes Anderson flick, but made for kids and adults. If you're a fan of Wes Anderson movies (Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore, etc) you'll love this as well. The humor was right up my alley, like all his other movies. I actually wasn't aware that he put this out. I just picked it up because I thought Kev would like and I was surprised to see that he directed it. It's got all the classics; Murray, Clooney, Schwartzman, Owen Wilson, and Meryl Streep playing the voices.

I'd like to get a trip back to Boston this summer, I miss my family and friends.... it will be good to see them again. I usually only get back once a year, I really should go back more often.

I hope everyone's well. I've been busy and happy. I would much rather be busy than the alternative. It's nice to feel productive at the end of a days work.

Currently listening to:

Trap Them

Cursed

Coliseum

Backstabber's Inc.

Rise and Fall

Integrity

Victims

For The Hearts Still Beating

2010-05-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Here's some video from the Converge show at Slim's in Frisco- He says it's a song about karma

My barren plan to be a better man
Rots in abandoned fields
These idle hands inherit spoiled lands
As the hungry become the pigs
We reap (and) we sow
We mourn who we were
Love what we lost
In the grave of... (youth)
Laying with lions to hide my grief
From the beast that never sleeps
Our tired hearts tear us apart
Searching for the key
Reap what we sow

This is what they closed with..... one of my favorites... always gets me fired up

I need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors
I need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
I need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
I need you to be the might of their first kiss
I need a purpose and i need a reason
I need to know that there is trophy and meaning
to all that we lose and all we fight for
to all our loves and our wars
keep breathing
keep living
keep searching
keep pushing on
keep bleeding
keep healing
keep fading
keep shining on
This is for the hearts still beating....

Keepin' Frisco Weird

2010-05-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a pretty eventful weekend in Frisco. I arrived in the city Friday night around 7, and checked into my room at the San Fran Zen Center. I made a few calls to some friends in the area, but no-one was down to go out, so I set off on my own for a bit. I bounced around a few pubs down in the Haight District and did some people watching. I didn't stay out to late though because I had a long day planned for Saturday and needed the rest. It was good to get the blood in the legs again though after a 4 hour drive.

(view from my room)

The next morning I got up and participated in Zen Center's Saturday schedule which consisted of zazen at 6:30, service, soji, zazen, and then a lecture by Zachary Smith. After the lecture I ate lunch and chatted a bit with a girl named Ana who was around my age and has been practicing there for about 10 years. I enjoyed talking to her because she also has a 3 year old son, so it was interesting to hear how she works that into her practice. She mentioned that she had been a resident at Tassajara, Green Gulch and City Center. After lunch, I hit the town with some friends from Lowell. Shugrue and Kristen picked me up around noon and we walked the city for a while, got some Chinese food, then met up with Soop and Carly at Vesuvio's at around 3:30.

On our way to the Mission District, I received a phone call from the San Fran Police Department saying that my car window had been smashed and someone tried to beak into my car. Luckily, nothing was stolen but it made a mess inside. I guess the cops
found my number on an old Jiffy Lube receipt that was in the glove box. Once I moved my car to a lot, I met back up with everyone and we ate dinner in a pretty neat Irish Pub. I had to leave everyone around 7:30 though because I was going to see Converge and Coalesce play at Slim's. Unfortunately, the show sold out and I was the only one who had a ticket so I went alone. I wish they could've made it in. I tried asking the band if they had any spots on their guest list but it was full. They told me if the city was smaller, I would've been all set. I don't mind going to shows solo though, sometimes it's a good way to meet people who you normally wouldn't talk to if you were with a crowd.

The show was great. It felt good to back at hardcore show again. It's been a few years since I've been to one and I always feel right at home with the crowd. All the bands sounded great and Converge played an amazing setlist to top it off. After the show, I was telling the singer how much I enjoyed it and that I used see them all the time back east in Boston, Worcester and Providence. He laughed when I told him I where I was from. He said he got his first tattoo in his friend's basement in Lowell, Mass.

Before I left work on Friday, my friend Wendy was telling me about some road race called 'Bay to Breakers' that was happening on Sunday. She gave me the info on it and I packed my gear so I could run in it. It's a 7.5 mile road race that has been happening for the past 99 years in San Fran. I didn't realize this, but it's really like a Mardi Gras style party in the City. People get all decked out and start partying real early in the morning.

I got up early and grabbed a cup of coffee and headed for my car to go to the race. As I was walking to my car I noticed that the lot I parked in was on the course about a mile and a half into the race. It worked out great because I just changed in the parking lot and joined right in. I have never seen anything like this in my life. Everyone was dressed in some sort of costume and people were just partying all over the place. There were live bands and people partying all along the course. Some of the floats people made were incredible. The run was absolutely amazing. It went right though the city, then through Golden Gate Park, and ended at the ocean. In fact, I liked it so much, when I hit the finish line I turned around and ran it again to see all the people and their costumes. I must've ran about 12 miles, but I didn't even notice it because I was laughing and smiling the whole time. It felt great.

Once I got back to my car I changed back into my jeans and t shirt and joined the party with my camera. I just walked the course again and mixed in with the crowd and soaked everything in. What a blast though. The air smelled like pot and everyone had some kind of drink in their hand. The cops just stood there and watched too. It was great to be able to be a part of that kind of craziness. Even though I didn't get down like everyone else, I can still enjoy just being a part of it. I'm definetly going to try and do that every year. Oh yeah... and I think I counted about 17 completely nude people as well. Only a few worth writing home about though.....Here's a link to some more pics I took. I love this friggin City

Move

2010-05-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

Last week during my run along the Truckee River in Reno, I came to the decision that it was time to leave Carson City. I've decided that instead of completely packing up and leaving the area to somewhere I might not find work. I'm going to take advantage of what's at my fingertips right here where I'm living and working, and move up to Lake Tahoe which is only a half hour away until something opens up closer to my son. Is it an end all answer to everything? No. Is the grass always greener? Yes. But, the place is absolutely breathtaking, and I really look forward to exploring the trails up there during the season. Living so close in Carson, I haven't really taken advantage of what it has to offer. I usually drive up for work, then drive back down at the end of the day, and typically I'm just to tired to drive back up. So, I'm going to give it a shot. I've got nothing to lose. Just like when I left Boston. And just like when I left Phoenix. The nice thing about it, is that I work there during the summer, so the commute will be shorter. The downside is that the winter commute back down to Carson might be a little rough. I'm hoping that a permanent spot opens up there before the winter comes. Can't worry about that now though...

I do still plan on coming down to Carson for our weekly sitting groups. I'm thinking of possibly starting another group up in Tahoe as well. My friend Julie owns a yoga studio in the town where I'll be living, and she's already offered the space for me to use if I'd like. I've checked online too and I haven't found any sitting groups up there, so it could be a great opportunity for that as well. We'll see.....

I had the number one love of my life in town this weekend and we did a little exploring at the beaches and parks in the area. I think he approves... and Happy Mother's Day Ma, I love you!

Painting of A Rice Cake

2010-05-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

After picking up my son this morning in Susanville, we met Richard at Comma Coffee for lunch. As Richard was taking a call from work, I was browsing through a shelf of random books and pulled off Gary Snyder's book of poetry 'Mountains and Rivers Without End." I opened up the first page to find this quote from Dogen's 'Painting of a Rice Cake'-

An ancient Buddha said "A painting of a rice cake does not satisfy hunger." Dogen comments:

"There are few who have even seen this 'painting of a rice cake' and none of them has thoroughly understood it.

"The paints for painting rice cakes are the same as those used for painting mountains and waters.

"If you say the painting is not real, then the material phenomenal world is not real, the Dharma is not real.

"Unsurpassed enlightenment is a painting. The entire phenomenal universe and the empty sky are nothing but a painting.

"Since this is so, there is no remedy for satisfying hunger other than a painted rice cake. Without painted hunger you never become a true person.

After reading this, I came home and read the complete chapter from Dogen's master work, the Shobogenzo. I really cannot comment on this passage, because to be honest,I do not fully understand it. I just read the words over and over and let them settle without trying too hard to understand it intellectually. That's kind of how I've learned to study Dogen, just read a little and put it down, and sometimes after a few readings it makes sense, and sometimes it still doesn't. But I've found that if I really try to make sense of it by thinking hard about it with my linear thinking mind, it just gets further away from the meaning of his teaching. I've learned that by reading and listening to commentaries from Zen Teachers who do seem to understand it also helps a great deal.

Here's a great commentary from a man who seems to understand it pretty well, the late Abbot of Zen Mountain Monastery, John Daido Loori-roshi:

Painting of A Rice Cake

Talk to God, the Hobbit Job

2010-05-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the guys downstairs have one of those new Ipad's. It comes with a voice dictator and I told them it would never work with my Boston accent. They said it would. I said "Park the car in the Harvard yard". It thought I said ------ " Talk to God, the Hobbit Job"

Progress

2010-05-02T22:53:00.000-07:00

I think the word I would use to sum up this weekend is progress. The past couple of weeks I haven't really felt like myself and it's been hard to pinpoint what the hell was going on. When I lived in Boston, I struggled a bit mentally during the winter time. I'd just get moody and depressed a lot for no particular reason. When I left there and moved to Phoenix, obviously I was fine year round, I never hit that winter slump because the sun was out 364 days of the year. This past Friday was probably the worst I've felt in a long time. No real reason, just miserable. I went home and jumped right into bed.

I did a little research online about SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I always heard people talking about it, but never gave it much thought because I thought everyone felt like that during the winter. It might not be the case. After reading a little about SAD and also vitamin D deficiency, I think I may have found out what the hell was going on. I read that vegetarian diets lack Vitamin D and also that the sun helps the body to produce vitamin D naturally. I guess, the lack of it can greatly affect your mood.

So I got up early Saturday, spent the day hiking and soaking up some sun, and picked up some vitamins. This morning I went for a nice run along the Truckee River in Reno where the sun was beating down pretty good and I have to say, I feel 100 percent better.

Maybe that was all I needed. A little exercise in the sun. I'll tell ya though it's good thing I'm off the sauce because that would've just fueled the fire the past two weeks and made things a thousand times worse. Really.

Oh yeah... and more progress on the tattoo as well... My buddy Jeff at Ruby Lantern is doing a fine job.

Afternoon Hike

2010-05-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning my house this afternoon, I looked outside and noticed it was way too nice out to be doing chores. So I threw on my hiking boots, filled up my Camelbak, grabbed some trail mix and shot up to the Tahoe Rim Trail to do some hiking around Spooner Lake. As I was driving up the mountain I noticed that there was still a lot of snow so I wasn't sure how high I'd be able to go.

I made it up about a half hour's worth until I lost the trail in the snow. I decided to just sit on a rock that was right in the sun and soak up some rays. I sat zazen for a while, chanted the Heart Sutra and went on my way. It was nice though, I was out for about 2 hours and got a good workout in. It really is beautiful up there, looking forward to summer now.

Active Participation in Loss

2010-04-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight, after zazen, we listened to a Dharma talk by Kwong-roshi titled 'Active Participation in Loss'. I'll try to summarize the talk a bit, because it resonates a lot with me. Roshi describes in his talk, the importance of a "no-gaining" idea when we sit, and in our everyday life. He talks about dealing with grief, anger, sadness, despair, and how these are universal processes that we cannot avoid because we are human. We were given a body and a mind, and someday that too, will perish. Death happens to all of us, and it causes grief and suffering for a lot of people. While most of the time we are trying to avoid these feelings and cover them, he teaches us to sit with them and investigate deeply the nature of these feelings. When we try to avoid them, they are always looming in the background. It seems sometimes we can even make them bigger than they really are, but when we confront them, and face them, they aren't so big when we are open about them and talk about them. Zen practice does not guarantee a life of happiness and bliss. You still feel sadness and grief, it's just that you feel them thorough and through, and it's not overwhelming. That's where the Active Participation comes in. It means that we're willing and committed to face these issues head on. Whatever they may be. This work can only be done by ourselves, no one else can do it for you. Roshi quotes the late Uchiyama-roshi's teacher as well in the talk saying that "...gain is delusion and loss is enlightenment." As soon as we gain, we become deluded, as soon as we lose... we become enlightened. Gain and loss co-exist. We just have to realize that and be able to identify it.

The past few days, for some reason, I'm thinking it's been the weather (I mean, snow and 30 degrees at the end of April!! Come on!)... I haven't exactly felt like myself. I've mentioned this before, every once in a while I go through this and it eventually passes. But zen practice helps to me to stay present during dark days and not turn to a crutch like drugs or alcohol like I would've in the past. I'm grateful for this practice, it might have saved my life. It's tough to say though. It's funny, I was talking to my friend Andrea about this because I think she can relate to it as well, and she said..."Kevin... you're completely balanced... if you were happy all the time, it wouldn't be right... I would start to worry." That mad me laugh. She's right though. Not that I'm completely balanced, but that it's part of life to have these feelings. The Eleven Headed Kannon Bodhisattva wears a crown with these faces of grief, anger, despair, hopelessness etc. She wears them on her head because she knows that they are a part of life, and she takes them with her.

Active participation in loss. Active participation in loss. That's no easy task.

Goodnight.

Practice of The Wild

2010-04-28T13:34:00.001-07:00

Can't wait to see this one...

“The wild requires that we learn the terrain, nod to all the plants and animals and birds, ford the streams and cross the ridges, and tell a good story when we get back home.” So writes legendary Beat poet Gary Snyder in his influential 1990 collection from which this celebratory documentary takes its name and finds its restoring rhythms of nature, image and word. Occupying a hallowed yet humble position within the realms of poetry, academia, ecological activism and spiritual practice, Snyder has distinguished himself among peers such as Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac by becoming both a countercultural hero and a Pulitzer Prize winner. Director John J. Healey skillfully intertwines the many fascinating aspects of Snyder’s journey through nature and across the page, sagely pairing the poet with his cantankerous compadre and fellow scribe Jim Harrison. Together, the two old friends roam the verdant hills of the central California coast, musing eloquently and with hard-won wisdom and earthy humor on Bay Area bohemia, Zen Buddhism and the morally charged interdependence of all living things. Whether reminiscing about a camping trip with Kerouac, recalling the writing of his seminal Turtle Island or being held by his ankles and dangled over a cliff in Japan as a test of truth-telling, Snyder is a warm and captivating presence. “Life in the wild is not just eating berries in the sunlight,” the poet tells us, and true to his ageless inquisitiveness, The Practice of the Wild seeks out and finds so much more.

—Steven Jenkins

Song of The Month

2010-04-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

A.E.I.O.U. - Give Up The Ghost

"I was watching the tide rolling in
and I was thinking I should move from here and start again
My legs barely hold all my heart and soul
My ears hardly hear, only our sound is clear
My mouth merely moves, the words just disappear
My eyes see so clear, a reason to care"

The band's name is Give Up the Ghost, (formerly American Nightmare) a hardcore band from Boston, Mass. that formed in 1999 and ended in 2004. I really dug this band back when they still played shows but haven't really listened to them much until a few months ago. I've been digging into my old stuff on my ipod recently and re-connecting with a lot of the music I listened to 10 years ago.

The reason I chose this song is because the lyrics really hit home for me. The line "I was watching the tide moving in, and I was thinking I should move from here and start again" in particular these days. I remember the first time I heard those lines, and I remembered sitting on the beach in New Hampshire reading Kerouac's first novel 'The Town and the City' (which bored me to death) and thinking pretty much the same thing. I remember just sitting there, clear as day, thinking practically the same exact words. I still get chills when I hear it. It's funny how some songs do that.

Well, this past trip to San Fran while we were driving over the hill and I was watching the waves crashing on the shore, I found myself playing that song in my head. I've been thinking that I'm probably going to be making a big move here in the next few years. I'm not sure exactly where, but all I know is that I have a son who lives 4 hours away right now and it's just too damn far. I'm trying to find a way to be able to live in the same town so I can spend more time with him. Nothing against Carson City, but I find myself leaving here on the weekends and driving 4 hours to be spending time with my son or to practice with my teacher in Sonoma when I'm not with my son. The only thing holding me back right now is my job, but with each passing day I keep asking myself if this job is worth staying here for. As I type these words and re-read them, I realize it's not. But I realize also that it's a good job and I need to be able to support him financially as well. I'm not making any drastic moves right now with the way the economy is, but my eyes are peeled, and I'm thinking "...I should move from here and start again."

A Weekend With the Family

2010-04-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

Sitting at the table drinking a tall glass of orange juice on Sunday night after a very eventful weekend with the family. My mother flew in from Boston on Tuesday and spent the whole week with my son and I. On Friday afternoon, we took off for Napa and spent the night there. I tell ya, it's not easy passing those vineyards and all those delicious grapes waiting to be crushed into award winning wine and not stopping in and getting a little red faced. It is beautiful country over there though, and actually it is enough just to drive around and enjoy the amazing scenery.

On Saturday morning we woke up and met Richard and his family and headed over to Sonoma Mountain for Sangha Day. It's basically just a day to be social with the Sangha, enjoy some delicious food and have some conversations with everyone. It's nice because most of the time when I'm there is spent in silence, so it's good to chat up everyone a bit. We couldn't have asked for better weather either. I tried to keep my son in the zendo while we watched a film on Suzuki-roshi giving a talk on the Sandokai, but he was exhausted and getting antsy so we had to bail and head to the garden for a while so he could run around and act like a 3 year old.

After the Zen Center we headed over to the San Francisco Zoo for the rest of the afternoon. I have my mixed feelings about zoo's sometimes, but it was nice just to walk around with the kids and let them see all the cool animals. I still think the Rhino is my favorite. It's just so prehistoric. I always think of dinosaurs when I see one. (but we all know, according to hardcore Christian beliefs, that dinosaurs didn't really exist right? and by the looks of that monkey, there's no way that evolution was possible, right?) I really love that city though, I could really see myself spending some time there in the future. I'd love to live there for a few years and just soak everything in.

We spent the night in Walnut Creek and met my son's mother in Sacramento and made the swap over. It's always tough given him back, but he's happy and in good hands and I know it won't be long until I see him again. Driving back with mom, we stopped in Tahoe for lunch at an awesome place right on the lake. We listened to a Dharma talk that I had on my Ipod that Zenkei Blanche Hartman, former Abbess of the SFZC, gave back in 2007 during a Priest ordination at the San Francisco Zen Center. I liked how she talked about precepts here. She mentioned that when someone either receives the precepts during a lay or priest ordination, that we are not actually receiving anything, but giving ourselves wholeheartedly to a life of service. A lifetime vow of service and of practice each moment to free ourselves of attachments and self centered thinking . Here it is if you want to h e ar it.

Bedtime for bonzo. Goodnight.

Dharma Punx in NYC on CBS

2010-04-22T15:47:00.001-07:00

If you didn't already see this over at the Worst Horse.... here's a great video of NYC's Dharma Punx on CBS recently. Dharma Punx is a punk meditation group founded by author Noah Levine. They have sitting groups pretty much all over the country now.

Not Your Mother's Meditation
Dharma Punx in New York City mixes the tradition of Buddhism with the ideology of punk rock. Dr. Jon LaPook talks with teacher Josh Korda about how the seemingly different connect with the help of meditation.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Leonard Cohen- Only For Love

2010-04-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

Here's a great clip from a documentary on Leonard Cohen during his 5 year stay living as a Zen monk practicing under Joshu Sasaki-roshi at Mt. Baldy Zen Center in Southern California. The very opening lines of the film are something that has stuck with me for a while now. Anytime during sesshin when I ask myself what the hell I'm doing here, I revert back to these lines:

"Nobody would hang out in a place like this if it weren't for love. You would only get up at 2:30 in the morning after 2 hours of sleep for love. You would only crawl to the meditation hall through the snow, for love. You can only embrace this kind of regime, for love."

Click here to view the rest of the film if you'd like

Winter is Winter. Spring is Spring.

2010-04-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

It's finally starting to feel like spring here in Carson. The past few days have been 70's and 80's which is a nice change coming from a long winter. The weather forecast shows snow again on Weds. though.. that's why it's important to enjoy the nice days while you have them, because they might be gone tomorrow. I got up early yesterday, sat zazen, grabbed coffee, hit a yoga class, went for a 5 mile run and deep cleaned the house with the windows open allowing the winter air to exit and the spring air bring new life.

I have to say, it was a long winter. Not just weather wise. I had a lot of ups and downs. More downs than ups though. I had two completely failed attempts at relationships with women. I've come to realize that I don't have a very good track record with relationships and should probably back off a little. (again) When I first moved out here from Phoenix 2 years ago, I didn't really make any attempts to meet anyone because my life was a bit of a mess. I had a new born baby boy that I moved to be closer to, and he was and is my number one priority. My second priority was Zen practice (and still is). Plus, I went from living in 4 bedroom home to renting a tiny room that I could barely fit a full size mattress in. Not exactly a place where you want to bring a girl. It felt like 15 all over again. Weekends that were not spent with my son, were spent traveling the Northwest CA area looking for a new Zen Center to practice at. I eventually found a home at Sonoma Mt. Zen Center and took off for there on the weekends. I was actually really happy just spending time with my son and not worrying much about a social life. But, as we all know... things change.

I started hanging out with a girl and it started off really good. We got along great. Enjoyed the same things and had the same outlook on life. I found myself noticing little things that I missed about having a woman around and my disciplined lifestyle got turned a little upside down. The little things, like having her stuff lying around or when there would be a knock at the door and it was her. Another toothbrush next to yours or her feet hanging out the window of your car while Dylan sang 'Just Like a Woman'. You know what I mean. Anyways... it's funny, I remember telling Roshi... "You know, I used to sit once a day until I met this girl" he looked at me, and I replied... "Now I sit twice day." He laughed. "Ohhh... Usually people stop sitting!" He was expecting me to say that my practice had taken a backseat. The truth was actually, that I was a little more invested in the relationship than she was. She always told me she didn't feel the same, so it's not her fault, it's just unfortunate. So I had to really work hard at paying attention to what was going on. It just got to the point at the end though, that when you're in 100% it with person and the other person is only in it 50% -it's time to bail. And I did. One positive thing that came from it all was that I took most of the pain, not her. Even though we try to avoid causing harm to others, we have to remember that 'we' are also included with the 'others'. So causing harm to ourselves is no better, really.

The second failed attempt started up maybe 3 weeks after I decided to go back into a bit of solitude again. This one's funny, she actually did make a commitment and ended up cheating on me about a month and a half into the relationship. I handled that one pretty well I think. As much as it hurt. I just walked away. Again, I was just happy it was me taking the pain and not her. But like I said up top, I gotta look out for this guy too.

So, I think with this new season I'm not going to worry too much about relationships. If they happen, great. If not, that's great too. One thing is for certain though. There is one common denominator in those 2 failed attempt at relationships. And that is yours truly. I've still got work to do, I know it. But then again, as long as I'm breathing... there will always be work to do.

Oh yeah, and if you haven't already checked out One Tree Sangha's new Facebook page, head over and show your support by becoming a fan of the page. There is some amazing photos of the group on there as well if you want to just scope them out.

Have a good night

"She knows there’s no success like failure
And that failure’s no success at all" -Dylan

Hardcore, Zen and Recovery

2010-04-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I signed up for a Meditation in Recovery Retreat at the San Francisco Zen Center on May 15th. I will already be staying there for the weekend because I have plans to see Boston's finest hardcore/metal band Converge play at Slim's on that Saturday night. I was looking at the calendar on City Center's website and I saw that they have a 12 step retreat from 1-5 that day. I've never been to an AA meeting or anything of this kind of nature. I think this will be a great way to talk and meet and learn from people who are in the same boat. I'm not drinking right now, but I did slip a little a few months ago and went on kind of a tear. I think this might be a good way to help stay on the straight and narrow.

and what a better way to end a day of Zen than a hardcore show....perfect balance ;)

"And we won't be breathing in that same sun again. None of this will ever surface again. How we get older, how we forget about each other. And the angel falls to the sky. Raised and coiled she blessed this day she did. And it rings our ears. She rarely flies anymore, burden broke her wings. And I know this ghost, I have seen it before. So young it is the dying too fast, too soon, I'll be okay. The air thins in the quick and our lips move but we hear no sound. Every time you justify, another good in you dies. Faith and fear sears me, and love and you pull all the right strings. "How we get older, how we forget about each other," she said. Entwined within the sadder of days."

Thursday Night Sitting Group

2010-04-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

Last night we had our weekly sitting group at our new location and surprisingly, we ran out of cushions. There was a nice group of 8 of us sitting zazen in our beautiful new zendo. The night went really well. We started pretty much like we did the week before, with a brief introduction and a zazen instruction. After I gave the instruction, we listened to an 8 minute talk on posture, form, and breathing. That went directly into a 20 minute zazen. After zazen we did some kinhin (walking meditation) and returned to our seats to listen to the first 3 chapters on Kwong-roshi's Breath Sweeps Mind talks. Overall the night went really well. There was no question in my mind that everyone would enjoy the talks, and they all said they did. It's hard not too, just listening to the sound of Roshi's voice in the room is amazing. It's almost like he's sitting right there with us giving a talk.

For the time being we are taking it slow for the first few weeks. For example, while everyone gets settled and is trying different postures we have been sitting facing outward. It helps during the instuctional period to be able to see if people are having difficulites with the posture. I explained to them, that traditionally in the Soto School of Zen, we face the wall during zazen and that these forms will be introduced more in the upcoming weeks. I plan on spending some time on zendo forms. I will cover, how we enter the room, bowing to our cushions, how to get on and off the cushion etc. There is so much to cover, and I've found that trying to cram it all into an hour can be very difficult for me, and also exteremely confusing for the person receiving all that information at once.

It's been really nice to be able to meet so many like minded people in this area. Coming off of a long winter of sitting alone at the old location, this new spring energy is beautiful.

Deep Bows,

Shindo

Tom Waits on Bob Dylan Radio

2010-04-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

Here's some great links of Tom Waits doing some spoken word on Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour. What a great combo of guys to listen to.... Hope you enjoy.... I have a feeling you will ;)

(Passenger Pigeon's my favorite!)

1. Body Parts

2. The RX Sign

3. Passenger Pigeon

4. Baker's Dozen

5. Jewish Curses

"Thanks Tom, that was something else...."

In a Talk One Evening

2010-04-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

In a talk one evening, Dogen instructed:

"Students today, when they listen to teachings, try first to give the impression that they have understood well what they have heard, and they concern themselves with being able to give answers that are to the point. Thus, what they hear just passes through their ears. What this amounts to is that they lack the mind that seeks the Way, because they still possess egoistic views.

First of all, you must forget the Self. After listening carefully to what someone has to say, you should think about it quietly. If you find difficulties or have doubts about something, pursue them to the end. If you understand, you should offer your solutions to the Master again and again. To present what you understand at once shows that you have not listened to the teaching well."

I really love this short teaching by Dogen. I often find when I listen to talks, or study texts that I don't always let the teachings settle and examine them more closely. Maybe it's because I'm concerned about what I'm going to be doing next now that the talk is over, or the book is closed and now it's time to go to the store or run errands etc. One of the teachings that spoke to me about Zen was the fact that it encourages us to question them to the end if they do not make sense. Do not just accept it because it is coming from a famous teacher or a popular book or because you will burn in hell if you don't. It's important for me, I feel, to keep this mindset when studying the way. Too often lately, in this fast paced world, sometimes just like Dogen speaks of here, the teachings go in one ear and out the other.

Then he goes on to say if you understand the teachings, you should offer your understanding to your Teacher. I think this why it is important to study with a teacher. I may think I understood the teaching and walk away feeling smart about what I learned, but I may have missed the point completely and been going down the wrong road with it. The only way to know whether my understanding is correct, is to discuss it with my Teacher. This dialouge usually takes place in a formal Teacher/Student meeting that is called Dokusan in the Soto Zen tradition. That is what he is there for, to tell us when our understanding is right or wrong. To help us and guide us on the path.

Buddha's Birthday Celebration

2010-04-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon my son and I drove over to Sonoma Mt. Zen Center to meet up with Richard and his family to join the Sangha for Buddha's Birthday Celebration(recognized April 8th). It's a beautiful little ceremony in the zendo where everyone has a chance to go up to the altar and offer incense and pour fragrant tea over baby Buddha's head. The celebration is symbolic not only to celebrate the birth of Shakyamuni Buddha, but also to celebrate the birth of the Buddha within ourselves. The altar is beautifully decorated with flowers and the Sangha chants in unison while every gets their turn to make their offering. Everyone usually brings their family and some food for the potluck after the ceremony (which was delicious). The weather wasn't ideal for the day that was planned, it was raining cats and dogs, so all the festivities had to be moved inside. Not a big deal, but it's a little easier to have the kids running around outside rather than in the zendo! Unfortunately, Roshi is still suffering from shingles really bad so he could not attend any part of the day, but his wife Shinko did an excellent job of leading the ceremony for us. After we poured tea over baby Buddha, each person bowed to the empty seat where Roshi would have been sitting to show that he was with us in spirit. At the end of the cermony Shinko went around and threw flower petals into the crowd, it was really beautiful.

It's really great to bring my son there to visit when I can. It really means a lot to me to be able to take him there and stay overnight. The Zen Center is always more than happy to have him there and they are always very hospitable. He has a blast playing with Roshi's grandson, Ejo, who is only 4 months younger than him too. It's really cute to see them playing together. Richard's son Max is a few years older than the two, so he acts as sort of an older brother to them both. He's great with them, and they love him too. It's a great little family, I'm very grateful for everyone.

"Believe nothing because a wise man said it. Believe nothing because it is generally held. Believe nothing because it is written. Believe nothing because it is said to be divine. Believe nothing because someone else believes it. But believe only what you yourself judge to be true."

- The Buddha

First Night In Our New Location

2010-04-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

All I can say is wow. What an amazing night at our new location. The energy in this room is absolutely amazing. Surprisingly we had a full house tonight, I couldn't believe it considering the fact that I just found out this week that we could use the space.

I met some amazing people and I received some really positive feedback, and also saying that they will be coming back and asking about our Weds. night group. It is really exciting to have this connection with people. Our format for the first night started with everyone sitting on the cushions while I gave a little intro about myself and a zazen instruction. We then listened to an 8 minute talk basically covering everything I just said, but a little more in depth. We then sat zazen for 10 minutes and listened to another talk. After that I demonstrated walking meditation and we did that for ten minutes. Then we sat and talked about different experiences and shared some comments.

In the future, once we establish a few regulars, the schedule will be 30 mins of sitting, 10 mins walking, and a recorded Dharma talk by our teacher, Kwong-roshi. First time orientations will take place 15 minutes before our 7pm start.
It's really amazing... I'm very fortunate and grateful to have this come in to my life. Oh yeah... this place would also make an incredible residential zen center. Check out the pics....

Heart

2010-04-08T13:14:00.001-07:00

"I Live My Broken Dreams" By Daniel Johnston.

I Love My Baristas

2010-04-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

This morning when I stopped for my morning coffee, I decided to purchase a delicious banana for breakfast. When I arrived at work, I realized my delicious banana was stranded on the counter. (ah, mindfulness!) When I stopped for my coffee after work, I had a nice little surprise:

Let Them Call You a Madman

2010-04-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

In a talk one evening, Dogen said:

"In this country today, many students worry about the good and evil, and right and wrong, of their own speech and actions and wonder how others will react to what they see and hear. They are concerned about whether something they do will draw censure or bring praise now or in the future. This is a very bad state of affairs. What the world considers good is not necessarily good. It does not matter what other people think; let them call you a madman. If you spend your life with your mind in harmony with buddhism and do nothing to offend against, the views of other people do not matter in the least."

New Location

2010-04-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

I received some good news yesterday regarding a new location for our sitting group. My friend Samala came through huge with a call in to her friend at Sierra Acupuncture in Carson City. They have a new 500 sq. ft. studio in the back that they use for yoga, pilates and Qi Gong. It just so happens that they had a spot recently open up on Thursday nights at 7. I'm excited about getting set-up over there, hopefully we might attract some more people as well. Thank you Samala!
*note: I just got back from checking it out, and it's perfect! It's going to be a great fit.... We start there this Thursday....

When I was looking through the class/teacher list, I noticed that Dale Kent, former Tassajara Zen Monestary resident, teaches a Qi Gong class. Dale and his wife Melissa recently publised an incredible cookbook titled 'Tassajara Dinners and Deserts'. I know he probably doesn't remember me, but back during the Presidential Election, there was a large group of teachers and students from the Berkeley Zen Center who held an "Election Retreat" at my friend Richard's house for 2 weeks. It was really something to be a part of, I met alot of really interesting people. Anyway, him and his wife prepared a wonderful meal for about 15 of us one night at their beatiful home in Washoe Valley. I'll have to stop in and take his class one night... I love Qi Gong.

Elephant Journal

2010-04-05T09:32:00.000-07:00

Head over to Elephant Journal for a really good article about my Teacher, Jakusho Kwong-roshi and Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche.... Here's the video from the site....

Jakusho Kwong-roshi on Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche from Bill Scheffel on Vimeo.

Letter From Roshi

2010-04-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately my trip to the Zen Center this weekend got canceled due to heavy snow up in the Sierra's. I received a letter today though from Roshi, and it saddens me to say that he is suffering from a great deal of pain due to his case of shingles. The letter is very tough to read. It brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. There is a great teaching in here though, and I would like to share some of it to show you what an amazing person he is, and why I love and respect him so.

"Behind the illness—it’s deeper and mysterious. The Dharma appears in this way--it feels like a Rite of Passage. Dealing with intense pain moment after moment challenges my whole being, my spirit and wisdom. I am so grateful for Zen Practice. I can’t imagine how others can endure without this wisdom of acceptance. I suppose some people manage to find it within their resolve to towards greater acceptance. "

"Alone in silence, I see the beautiful oak trees, the madrone, the tall pines— the most brilliant."

"There is nothing more essential that you can do in your lifetime. It will help you to actively accept and receive the unknown that is yet to come whether it is negative or positive. True zazen is the expression of your Buddha Nature. With constancy it will prepare you for everything that you will encounter."

"I’ve been listening to this Gaelic Blessings that was inspired to put into music. I listen to it every day, and it penetrates me like the repetition of a mantra.

DEEP PEACE of the running waves to you

DEEP PEACE of the flowing air to you

DEEP PEACE of the quiet earth to you

DEEP PEACE of the shinning stars to you

DEEP PEACE of the gentle night to you

MOON AND STARS pour their healing light on you

DEEP PEACE"

Deep peace Roshi... I love you. Please take care of yourself. See you soon.

-Shindo

Zen, Coffee, Giant Bunnies, and Dylan

2010-04-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

Last night there were 2 people who showed up for the Thursday night sitting group. Caherine and Samala. Catherine came for the first time a few weeks ago and last night was Samala's first night sitting with us. She saw a flyer at work (Comma Coffee) and said she had no idea that we were even here and that she had been looking for a group for a while now (I guess I should put up more flyers). It was cool when she said that she had been the San Francisco Zen Center before too, it makes it a little easier to explain the forms and lineage part. When I mentioned to them that we needed a home for a while starting in May, she said she might have a spot for us here in town. That would be great.....Keep your fingers crossed.

I'm heading over to the Zen Center this weekend with Richard and a few of his students from class. Roshi was supposed to give a talk, but unfortunately he came down with shingles. Keep him in your thoughts.....

This weekend a giant bunny will be brining chocolate eggs to little kids, (click here for a great Bill Hicks clip) keep your eyes peeled. I remember when I was younger, my mother went through so much trouble to make me believe that the Easter Bunny was real. One year she went as far as getting dirt from outside and making little bunny footprints all through the house..... It actually scared the shit out of me. Haha, one time when I lost a tooth, she left the porch door open in my room to make me think the tooth fairy came.... it was the middle of winter, and I ended up catching pneumonia... thanks ma!

Here's some tunes for your Coffee and Dylan Friday......

Paradise

2010-03-31T16:50:00.001-07:00

We would meet there when we weren't supposed to. Quietly passed the oversized guards, through the clear glass tunnel and down the long tile hallways. The rooms were as silent as a graveyard. It might've been because we were so focused on our goal, that all background noise was eliminated. Through the double doors in the 'Old Building', 'cross the cobblestone road and following the tracks to our destination-

historic red brick
home of the Bootmill sandwich
paradise diner

The Buddha's Last Instruction

2010-03-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I've found myself back in the aisles of the local library here in Carson City. This little card on my keychain has opened so many doors. I picked up a book of poems titled 'House of Light' by a woman named Mary Oliver. I'm sure most of you are probably familiar with her work, and maybe even this poem for that matter. I, on the other hand, have not read much of her writing and this was actually the second poem that I've read by her. This is one of the most beautiful collection of words I have read in a very long time-

“Make of yourself a light “
said the Buddha,
before he died.
I think of this every morning
as the east begins
to tear off its many clouds
of darkness, to send up the first
signal - a white fan
streaked with pink and violet,
even green.
An old man, he lay down
between two sala trees,
and he might have said anything,
knowing it was his final hour.
The light burns upward,
it thickens and settles over the fields.
Around him, the villagers gathered
and stretched forward to listen.
Even before the sun itself
hangs, disattached, in the blue air,
I am touched everywhere
by its ocean of yellow waves.
No doubt he thought of everything
that had happened in his difficult life.
And then I feel the sun itself
as it blazes over the hills,
like a million flowers on fire-
clearly I’m not needed
yet I feel myself turning
into something of inexplicable value.
Slowly, beneath the branches,
he raised his head.
He looked into the faces of that frightened crowd.

Looking for a new home....

2010-03-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

It's looking like our Thursday night One Tree Zen group might need a new home to practice at. I received an email from the Church today stating that they may need the room for a larger meditation class. If anyone reading this is in the Reno/Tahoe/Carson area and might know of a good public space we could use or rent one night a week for an hour or so, please drop me a line kevinpsouza@yahoo.com .... Much appreciated,

Bows,

Kevin

as the snow melts-
one tree
needs a home

Samu

2010-03-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

raking leaves from last autumn
spent winter covered with snow
neglected for no good reason
buddha sits patiently on the porch

Untitled

2010-03-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

dinner for one
white rice and tofu
a quiet night reading and listening
to poetry, an early
morning
yoga
a beautiful woman with tattoos
on her arms
her eyes dark like chocolate
she just said 'monkey mind'
coffee and zimmerman
images of acala and jane doe
a teapot whistling in the background
'not thinking' of you
a plane over head
(how did they do that?)
I still have doubts about
landing on the moon
one half step on the
exhalation
there's too many to count
did he just say darkness
is not the opposite of light,
it's the absence of light?
smile
turn it off now
it's late

Thursday Night Sit

2010-03-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

Every Thursday night I organize a small Zen sitting group at a local Church here in town. It's usually pretty slow. Lately I've been finding myself setting everything up and having no one show up. I don't mind though, I usually just sit then pack it up and head home. I think it's important to have a space available for people to come and sit, whether they decide to actually come or not.

What happened tonight is a perfect example of why I do it. A man named Mike drove down from Fernley (about 30 mins away) because he was interested in starting a meditation practice and a friend had told him about the group. When he arrived, I introduced myself and gave him a little background about our practice and our Teacher. I demonstrated the forms we use that are adopted from Sonoma Mountain and gave him a brief zazen instruction. We then listened to a Dharma Talk that covered all the basics of zazen (posture, breathing, mudra etc..) I told him to feel free to move around and try different postures until one felt comfortable. It didn't take him long, he remained still the whole time. The talk lasted about 20 minutes and then I asked him how is legs were and if he wanted to sit some more. He said he would love to sit some more and that his legs felt fine. We continued to sit for about 20 more minutes and when it was over, I could tell that it really resonated with him. He was asking questions about visiting the Zen Center to meet Roshi and where to find mats and cushions and if I had any good suggestions for books.
It really makes it all worth while if just one person shows up. Whether this person develops a sitting practice right away is not important, but someday down the line, if he comes to a point in his life where he is in tough times, he might remember what he heard and learned tonight and then maybe develop a practice then. To me that is worth sitting alone all winter long.

Zazen is Beautiful

2010-03-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Last night's zazen was beautiful.
With the windows open and the
sun still up, my senses heightened.
The sounds of children playing
late into the night, dogs talking
to each other through barks,
cars coming and going, birds singing,
the crisp sounds of the bell,
mokugyo and clappers.
The incense carries from
one end of the room to the
other. The sweet smell of dinner.

My hands against the cloth
of my robe,
A thought crosses my mind

We are not separate.

sitting facing wall

teardrops land in mudra

a slow dance with the breath

I Don't Know

2010-03-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

Nervous Breakdown

2010-03-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

One of my friends at work recently had to do a report on Buddhism for college and asked me if she could interview me for her report becuase she didn't know any other Buddhists, of course I agreed and she recently sent me the final copy that she ended up getting an 'A' on.... here's part of it...

"I was given the opportunity to interview a wonderful young man by the name of Kevin, a practioner of Zen Buddhism. Kevin is a fellow employee in a different department. I was able to interview him at our work place. Kevin was born in Massachusetts and went to Catholic school the majority of his life. Kevin is 29 years old has never been married and has beautiful two year old son. I was able to ask Kevin ten question which I believe to be important base on his religion. Kevin’s responses inspired me to believe that everyone may change the way they believe in the world by religion. He also has led me to believe that one can change their religion based on their inner beliefs. The next few paragraphs will include the ten questions Kevin was asked along with the ten responses he gave.

1. What inspired you to take up this religion?
“Well, I wasn't really looking for a religion, so to speak, when I came across it. I was born and raised Catholic, went to a catholic school through 8th grade, went to Church on Sunday etc. From about 15 years old and on I started questioning the existence of God. The Church in Boston was corrupted with crooked Priests, molesting boys and stealing from the Church. That pretty much drove me away from Catholicism. When I started asking questions about God and Jesus and doubting their existence, the common answer was "just believe" or "because the Bible says so." or "You'll go to Hell if you don't"... I'm not interested in anything or anyone that will send me in flames if I question their existence. So until about 26 years old, I was pretty much agnostic. Meaning, I didn't believe in God, but I knew there were questions that were too great to explain. Pretty much accepting that some things were just unknown to man.

At age 26, while with my fiancé at the time who was pregnant with our son, I ended the relationship. I was cheating, and drinking a lot. I was unhappy, and causing other people to suffer due to that. I called the wedding off because I couldn't lie anymore. During the time of separation, I picked up a couple books on Zen and Buddhism. I wasn't looking for a "self help" book... just curious on what their whole take on the world was. What I read just made complete sense to me, it allowed me to question everything, and it actually encouraged it. It didn't tell me that I had to worship any god or figure. It just made flat out sense. It taught me to just pay attention to what I was feeling, and just sit with the emotions, instead of acting on them. A lot of the reason we suffer is our unwillingness to accept change. When things are good, we want them to stay like that forever. When they are bad, we go off the deep end a little. When things are good enjoy them, but they will pass. When things are bad, they're bad, but it will pass. Nothing lasts forever. It taught to just be with what is for what it is. Don't always try to be changing things or looking outside yourself for happiness. Ultimately, there is nothing outside yourself that will provide endless happiness. Everything Changes.

So, (sorry it's so long winded) while living in Phoenix, I found a place where they were practicing Zen so I went and checked it out. I was very uncomfortable going. I wore this punk rock Black Flag shirt that read "Nervous Breakdown" because that's pretty much how I felt and also I wanted people to know that I wasn't this "New Age Hippy Dude" looking for Eternal Bliss or whatever. I was really self conscious about going, it just felt weird at the time. I was just there to scope it out, and see what was up. It ended up being just me and a guy named Barry who was running the show. It was in the back of a Bookman's. We sat and talked, and I told him how awful of a person I was. He listened, and made some comments and then we sat cross-legged and faced the wall for a half hour and did some chanting. He told me to pay attention to my breath, and don't cling to thoughts in my head. Just let them pass. I didn't experience any major breakthrough's or "Enlightenment" experiences. Just pretty much a general house cleaning of the mind. Which was exactly what I needed. Before I left that night, he told me that he sits every day. He said he doesn't leave the house without sitting. He called it "brushing his mental teeth" because you brush your teeth for your own health, but also so the people you interact with don't have to smell your breath! It's true... sitting not only affects yourself, but the people you will meet throughout the day.”

*the guy in the corner is pretty much how I felt at the time.... Trapped, cornered, angry and violent with my emotions and cravings.

Week End

2010-03-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a very busy weekend, which is good. I got in Friday night from Vegas with no problems and just pretty much checked a few emails and hit the sack. Saturday morning I got up early and went to Yoga Loka in Reno for the first time. I think I finally found the type of Yoga that suits me. It's called Vinyassa Flow. It's fast paced yoga that gives you a great work out. Lot's of different poses constantly changing. It kicks my butt every time. I was bouncing around for a while at different places around town here, but they are all pretty slow paced, or Bikram, which I'm not really a big fan of. So I'm glad to have found this place, it'll keep me busy and flexible on Monday and Tuesdays.

After that, I decided to stop off and have my alignment checked on my car, I was thinking they could do it pretty quick, but it turns out it was a few hour wait. So I called all four people I know in this town for a ride but no one was around. Luckily though, I was able to get in touch with a friend from work and he came and picked me up. I was dreading hanging out at Les Schwab for 3 hours. The sounds of the air drills gave me a bad enough headache in the half hour I was there.... It's funny, I brought it in there because the guys at Tire Plus told me my struts were rubbing on my tires causing it to vibrate and that it would cost 900 bucks. I knew it didn't make sense so I brought it to Les for a second opinion, and the guy took me right up to the tire and showed me how it was impossible for the strut to rub on the tire. All it needed was an alignment. The other guys were trying to scam me... that's bad news.

Today I went over Richards and watched 'Enlightenment Guaranteed'. It's great flick about two brothers in Germany who find themselves at Sojiji Monastery in Japan after one brother has an unexpected divorce. The film is actually really funny. It has some great footage of the monastery and the storyline is really good. After the film we went upstairs and sat zazen for while in his zendo. I love sitting in there.

When I got back, my new friend Robert hooked me up with Dylan's Blood on the Tracks the New York Sessions. Great stuff, I think I like it better than the original recording. Thanks Robert! That will keep me busy for a while......

Now I'm just getting ready to listen to a Dharma Talk by Gil Fronsdale. He's a Vipassana teacher at Spirit Rock, but he was also once a Zen Priest at San Francisco Zen Center and also received Dharma Transmission from Sojun Mel Weitsman in 1995. I really enjoy his talks...

Good night,

The Nature of Cancer

2010-03-18T19:59:00.001-07:00

Here's an amazing video I thought I'd share, it's from a woman named Anne Rudloe. She's a biologist and a writer who lives down in Florida. She also wrote a book called Butterflies on a Sea Wind- Beginning Zen. I haven't read it yet, but I will be soon...

ZCLV Visit

2010-03-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a wonderful visit at the Zen Center of Las Vegas. Everyone there was so warm and welcoming, it was really nice. Unfortunately, Thom Pastor J.D.P.S.N the founder and Abbot of the center couldn't make it because he was leading a retreat in Wisconsin, but it was great to just to be there and sit with everyone. Chanting in Korean was beautiful, it has sort of a different cadence than the Japanese that I'm used to. It's a little like singing, I did the best I could to keep up with them, I think by the third chant I was starting to pick it up. I especially enjoyed chanting the Heart Sutra, it was different chanting it in Korean, and after chanting it so many times in Japanese and English, it was nice to hear it in a different language.

a-je a-je ba-ra-a-je ba-ra-sung-a-je mo-ji sa-ba-ha
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha

ma-ha ban-ya ba-ra-mil-ta shim gyong
Maha Prajna Paramita Hrdaya Sutra

They really have a great thing going out there, they just recently moved out of their original Center which was in a strip mall and into this great piece of property with one large building in the front for practice, and a 4 or 5 bedroom house in the back for future residents. They just moved in about 2 months ago so it's still a work in progress, but I can tell by what they have that it's gonna be amazing when they're done! There's plenty of land for a garden and flower beds and such. The students were saying that they have their 'work practices' cut out for them for a while now! I really look forward to coming back in the future and seeing how it progresses, who knows?... maybe they will have rooms available for visitors by then.

5 years ago if you told me that I would be in Vegas visiting Zen and Yoga Centers instead of casinos, bars, and clubs I would thrown back some expletives followed by a good hard laugh.
I wouldn't change it for the world now. Tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day, my 30th birthday and guess what I'll be doing?

The Path

2010-03-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

I really love this quote by Gary Snyder:

"All of us are apprenticed to the same teacher
that the religious institutions originally worked with-
reality.
Reality insight says: Master the 24 hours, do it well,
without self pity. It is as hard to get the children herded
into the carpool and down the road to the bus, as it is
to chant sutras in the Buddha Hall on a cold morning.
One move is not better than the other.
Each can be quite boring, and they both have the
virtuous quality of repetition.
Repetition and ritual and their good results come in many forms;
Changing the oil filter, wiping noses, going to meetings, picking
up around the house, washing dishes, checking the dipstick.
Don't let yourself think these are distracting you from your
more serious pursuits.
Such a round of chores is not a set of difficulties we hope to escape
from so that we may do our practice which will put us on the path.
It is our path."
- Gary Snyder

Vegas Baby, Vegas

2010-03-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the Reno/Tahoe Airport waiting for my flight to Vegas. I'll be there all this week for training. While there I plan on visiting the Zen Center of Las Vegas (formerly Great Brightness Zen Center) for a couple of nights during the week. They are affiliated with the Kwan-Um School of Zen, a Korean tradition founded my Zen Master Seung Sahn. I'm looking forward to sitting with them and learning more about their practice. I always find it interesting to visit different Zen Centers when I travel.

Speaking of traveling, this weekend I went over to Sonoma Mountain for a One Day Sitting. There was a young monk there from Eihei-Ji Temple (Japan). He is visiting the U.S. for a few months, I think. I know he had spent time at Zen Mountain Monastery in New York, San Francisco Zen Center, and now he is spending time up at Sonoma Mountain. It was really great meeting him, his name was Shoen, and he was around 28 years old. We worked together during work practice and even though didn't understand English too well, he learned by just paying attention to my actions and following what I was doing. That's pretty much how he has to learn the different forms at the Zen Centers he visits as well. It was great just watching him in the zendo, he definetly had quite an amazing presence. He was asked to say something at the end of the sitting, and he was able to say- " There might be differences between Japan and America, but zazen is beautiful everywhere. Zazen is very beautiful. Thank you. (bow)" I thought that was great, he's right, zazen is beautiful.

Well, I'm boarding soon....and I won't miss the sounds of these slot machines.

"Geez, I Can't Find My Knees"

2010-03-13T22:26:00.000-08:00

I've heard Bob called a lot of different things...... but a Zen Master?

Bargaining For Salvation

Lowell Celebrate's Kerouac

2010-03-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

This weekend my hometown, and also the birthplace of Jack Kerouac, is putting on their annual 'Lowell Celebrate's Kerouac' festival. It's start's today actually with a showing of "One Fast Move or I'm Gone!" a great documentary about Kerouac's novel 'Big Sur'. The rest of the weekend is filled with novel and poetry readings, tours, and music played in different cafe's around town. Jack would have been 88 tomorrow. View the full scheule here: http://www.lowellcelebrateskerouac.org/lck-2010 and here http://www.cometolowell.com/KerouacSchedule.htm

I first read Kerouac's 'On the Road' when I was 19. I was at a point in my life where Lowell had just taken it's toll on me. I felt I was at a dead end. I was watching my friends move on to college making something of themselves, while I was experimenting with drugs, drinking every night, and working a dead end job as a ditch digger. I felt hopeless and lost. Going to the same High School as Jack, I was always surrounded by photos and such, but never took the time to actually sit down and read him until I graduated. I'm one of those people where that book actually did change my life. One day while I was in a hole fitting some gas pipe, my friend Tony stopped by and was standing above the hole and he said to me, "What the HELL are you doing down there!?" I said, "Working, why?" He said, "Fuck this man, I'm moving to Phoenix in a few months, why don't you save some of that money your making down there and come along?" I remember thinking to myself, I had absloutely nothing to lose, no girlfriend, no real hard ties to the city that I couldn't come right back to if everything fell apart out there, and I remember thinking about Jack, about how he left, and the experiences and life lessons he had.

Of course, I said "Sure, why the fuck not?"

So needless to say, it was the best decision of my life. Getting away from Lowell and moving to a place where I had to start from scratch, and had no crutch to fall back on if I failed, forced me to get my head on straight. I put myself in a position where, I knew if I failed that I would have to go back, and I owed it to myself to make it my own. Some of my best friends and all of my family still live in Lowell, and I miss them everyday. Unfortunately, I cannot see myself moving back there anytime soon.

Kerouac's book Dharma Bums was also the first time I actually was exposed to Zen Buddhism. I read it when I was 22, and to this day it is still one of my favorite's. I have to say though, it wasn't until about 4 or 5 years after reading the book that I started practicing Zen. When I hit another low point in my life, causing my self and other's to suffer due to my greed, is when I remembered the novel and picked up a few books on Zen. That's a whole blog in itself....

Happy Birthday Jack.... thanks for the inspirations.

More Ango Pics.... and Jinko

2010-03-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

I just received an email from my friend Ed in Washington who took some really great pics during Winter Ango. You can view them here - Ango Pics

I also got a great little package from my mother with some really amazing Jinko (aloeswood) incense... I burned some tonight during zazen and it has a really powerful scent, I love it.... I remember listening to a talk from Kobustu Malone a couple of years ago where he refers to Suzuki Roshi calling Jinko "the veritable stink of zen". I think of that line every time I burn some... listen to the talk if you have the time, I think you'll enjoy it.
-Shindo

My Practice

2010-03-07T16:28:00.000-08:00

as i sit at my counter writing this,
drinking tea and eating fresh cut fruit
i got on sale at the grocery store today
the windows in the house are open
on this beautiful pre-spring day
a gentle breeze comes through the kitchen
the sounds of the birds singing outside

i think about how physically and mentally
exhausted i feel, i am simply beat
my practice, is raising my son
he challenges me every waking hour
of the day, and I cherish each moment
it's not always easy, and it's not always fun
but it is always important to give
one hundred percent of your
undivided attention, to this practice
of raising a child.

this weekend i noticed that he
needs more than just a play buddy
in me, he needs a father.
someone to show him right from
wrong, and someone to say "no"
when necessary, and someone to say "yes" when needed
someone to teach him the value of giving and sharing
and how lucky we are to have a roof over our heads
and food on our plates, this is my practice

i often find it difficult, because I myself
am still constantly learning these things
and working on them myself, this is my practice as well.
i have to remind myself, that these years of raising
a child are very important to the way he will grow up.
i'm worried sometimes that I have so much work to do
on myself in these areas, that i will fail him
i cannot waiver, i cannot move
i will face it head on
this is my practice

To Dad, With Love

2010-03-05T18:12:00.001-08:00

I mean seriously, how can I get mad at this spill?

Altar Pic

2010-03-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

Here's a photo of my home altar:

The items on it are:
A picture of Bodhidharma (28th Patriarch of Indian Buddhism, 1st Patriarch of Chinese Zen)
Kechimyaku- Papers received at Jukai Ceremony, a lineage chart documenting the "bloodline" of the Soto School.
Photo of my son touching a statue of Buddha at Sonoma Mountain Zen Center.
Candle
Incense holder
Water
Plastic Flower
Amida Buddha Statue
Calligraphy from my teacher Jakusho Kwong-Roshi "Only Don't Know" A famous saying by the late Korean Zen Master, Seung Sahn.
A photo of Shunryu Suzuki-roshi
A photo of my teacher Jakusho Kwong-roshi.

and here's my main man demonstrating proper zazen form!

Zen Movies and Yoga

2010-03-03T08:22:00.000-08:00

I recently ordered a couple of dvd's, Amongst White Clouds and The Zen Mind, from Amazon and just got around to watching them this week. The first one I watched was 'Amongst White Clouds'. Overall I thought it was a good documentary. I enjoyed the visual aspect of the film, how we are able to actually see how these hermit monks live. I think that was part of the mystery for me. I mean, they're hermit monks, that means not many people see them right? So that kind of intrigued me, just to "catch a glimpse" of how and where they live. So that part of it was cool. I would've liked to have seen a little more dialogue with the monks though.....

The second one I watched was 'The Zen Mind'. It's a documentary on Zen in Japan. This was was pretty good too. I liked how it showed different temples in Japan, and it was cool so see the monks practicing and working around the temple. There were a few instructional parts that showed briefly how to sit zazen. It was an "entertaining" film. I think that back of the box describes it best, "A coffee table book DVD". Take it for what it's worth... Although there were were a few parts where I did cringe at what the narrator was saying when he was talking about the "goals of zazen".

I went to yoga class last night, it's been a while since I practiced and it felt really good. I think I'm gonna try to work it in a couple times a week now after work. I ran into a couple friends there as well, which was cool. I'll tell ya though... I'm definetly NOT as flexible as I thought I was! Practice, practice.

Exhale

2010-02-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

This weekend started off kind of rough. I swear, when I checked the CalTrans website before leaving, the traffic was moving fine with no snow on the mountain. Well, come to find out, it was snowing hard by the time I reached Donner summit. So hard, that they closed the pass for two hours while I was still on it! I guess there was some accidents and they had to plow the snow in order for us to pass through. Needless to say I had to "chain up" again to make it across. So my 4 hour ride turned into a 7 hour ride and I arrived fairly late, around 11pm, at SMZC. Let's just say the wake up bell at 4:30 was not pleasant! It's ok, I got a few hours of sleep and was able to join the Sangha for the final day of Ango.

The closing ceremony, where we each get to ask the Shusho (head student) a question was great as always. The them for the practice period was Dogen's Uji (Being Time), so most of the questions were based around that topic. My question to him was "What time were YOU born?" He just laughed shook his head and replied " A long time ago!" I laughed and we both bowed, and I returned to my seat.

Later that night there was a beautiful dinner party in the Sangha House for the Shusho. Members of his family came and members that participated in Ango showed up as well. We all presented him with a card and a little gift to show our appreciation of how well of a job he did leading us through the practice period. Roshi presented him with a beautiful calligraphy that he will be able to frame on his wall, it's absolutely amazing. There was also a nice slide show of pictures playing in the background that came out wonderful. I'll be receiving a link to them soon and I will share them.... here's a few I was able to take while there...... The first few pics are of the "Monk's Cabin" where I usually stay, I think of it as my "home away from home." It's really tiny, but I love it! Some people can barely stand in there.. but I fit like a glove! It's literally right in the middle of the forest too, really beautiful place to stay.

"The desolate inn is like that cottage in the old town
No noise, hardly anyone around
After a nap on the western veranda,
On a long spring day,
I rise and watch the light rain
Tap the pear leaves"

-Wonkam Chungji (1226-1292)

Driving play list:

Hoover
Versoma
Tombs
Don Caballero
Bob Dylan
Leonard Cohen
Neurosis
Dharma talk by Roshi
NomeansNo
Black Breath
Old Man Gloom
Trap Them
Shellac
Chuck Berry

-Shindo

Ango Closing

2010-02-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

Well, the last day of Ango is tomorrow at Sonoma Mountain Zen Center so I will be heading over tonight for the closing ceremony tomorrow. The closing ceremony is always fun, everyone gets a chance to challenge Shuso with a Dharma question in what we call "Dharma Combat!" haha... it's all in good fun and usually the questions and answers are really good. I plan on spending the weekend there, staying for the dinner/party for Shusho on Sat. night.

Bad news is, it looks like it's snowing on the mountain again! Should be a fun ride.....

Also, I saw a nice gesture today while in line for coffee. The couple in front of me noticed a man in his Army uniform behind me and offered to by his coffee for him. I just thought that was great. It's rare that you see people making gestures like that and it shows some grattitude to those in the service. It definetly made an impression on me, and I'm sure it did him too.... Next time, I think I'll do the same (and maybe just to a random person as well just for the heck of it!) Kind gestures lead to kind gestures.

Gassho,

Shindo

New Leonard Cohen Song

2010-02-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a video for a new Leonard Cohen song that he played at the show in San Jose which, luckily, I was able to attend. Incredible show, incredible song. "Feels so good to wake up in the morning by myself, Cup of coffee in the kitchen, fire up a little danger to my health.
I got the same old broken heart but now it feels like it belongs to someone else."

Feels so good, not to love you like I did.
Feels so good, not to love you like I did.
It’s like they tore away the blindfold and they said, we’re gonna let this prisoner live.
It’s like they tore away the blindfold and they said, we’re gonna let this prisoner live.

Feels so good to wake up in the morning by myself,
Cup of coffee in the kitchen, fire up a little danger to my health.
I got the same old broken heart but now it feels like it belongs to someone else.
I got the same old broken heart but now it feels like it belongs to someone else.

Feels so good not to wonder who you’re with,
who you love, who you touch, who you kiss.
But I just, I guess, got lucky, I just never thought this ugly mood would lift,
I guess I just got lucky ’cause I never thought this ugly mood would lift.

Feels so good, not to love you like I did.
I don’t know why, but it just is.
It’s like they tore away my blindfold and they said, we’re gonna let this prisoner live.
It’s like they tore away my blindfold and they said, we’re gonna let this prisoner live.

King of Samadhis

2010-02-23T21:05:00.000-08:00

I was just reading this passage and wanted to write it down and share it. If the book wasn't borrowed from the SMZC library, I would've highlighted it to refer back to later on. Instead, here it is:

Then the Tathagata, the World Honored One, taught his disciples how to sit and said to them, "Some outsiders try to practice by standing on tiptoes, others by standing continuously, and still others by adopting the yogic posture of hooking their feet over their shoulders. These people develop unbalanced minds that founder in an ocean of delusion because their postures are unnatural. Why do I teach my disciples to sit up straight in the meditation posture?
Because it is easy to regulate the mind when the body is upright. If the body is straight, the mind is not dull. Instead, the mind is forthright, the intention is true, and mindfulness is present. If the mind scatters or the body leans, gather together your body-mind and resume the upright posture. If you want to manifest samadhi and enter it, you should gather together all distracted thought and scattered mind within this posture. Practice in this way and you will manifest and intimately enter the king of samadhis." Zen Master Dogen (Translation taking from Beyond Thinking by Kazuaki Tanahashi)

Snow Chains Required

2010-02-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I got back late last night due to some snow on Donner Pass. Sankotsu called me when I was driving back and informed me that snow chains were required coming back down the mountain. It's really good that he let me know because I was able to pull off, fuel up on coffee and change into my work clothes from the sesshin so I wouldn't ruin the ones I was wearing. I always dread putting snow chains on, it's just cold and wet and when it's dark, it's hard to see, and I usually end up having to crawl under the car in the wet snow. Not an ideal situation at 8pm when it's 25 deg. after sitting all day! It's a good thing I had an extra set because the ones I had were busted up pretty bad. It set me back probably an hour and half, which isn't too too, bad. (And I made it to work today, so no harm done!)

Sesshin was short, but nice. I feel sesshin is a very important part of practice. All I can say is that I am extremely grateful for everyone who participated in it, and all the staff who made it go smoothly. Sonoma Mountain does a great job of creating a "container" for us to practice in and it's incredible to be able to sit with everyone up there. I wish I could've sat for more of it, but I take any opportunities that I can having to work full time and living so far away. I have a real sense of "coming home" when I visit there, and it's always tough to leave. It is a very tight knit Sangha, I made that comment in the closing circle and let them all know that they were like my family, and they were like brothers and sisters to me.

One other interesting thing was that the two gentlemen I shared a cabin with were from Poland. Very nice guys. There was also a member from the Iceland Sangha as well. I still think it's incredible that Roshi has Zen Centers in Iceland and Poland. It's really great when they come over to visit, it's real interesting to talk to them and learn what it's like over there. Not surprisingly, their English is pretty good.

One of the resident's there, Mike, let me borrow this great CD I've never heard. The band's called NoMeansNo. If your into punk with genius lyrics, check it out! Really good stuff. We found out one weekend that we have a lot in common when it comes to music when we drove down into town in Santa Rosa for dinner, so we've been introducing each other to new bands. It's rare finding people at Zen Center with the same taste in music.... Actually, that's one of the things Trevor and I also had in common when I met him at SFZC after a one day sitting.

I'm tired and there's a bunch of laundry staring at me that got neglected this weekend.
After sesshin, do the laundry!

-Shindo

Weekend Sesshin

2010-02-19T07:58:00.000-08:00

Heading back over the mountain to catch the end of the 7 day Sesshin that started Sunday night. It's been a nice week so far, we gave zazen instruction to 4 new people and they really seemed excited about it.... we'll see if they come back!

You gotta love technology these days, now that my son has moved back to Phoenix, my visits have been spread furthur apart, but at least with these new webcams we got, we are able to talk and see each other on a daily basis... not the ideal situation... but it does make it a little easier.

Have a good weekend...

-Shindo

I Threw It All Away

2010-02-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

Just got back a little while ago from our weekly Weds. night sitting group. When I arrived, Sankotsu (knowing how much I enjoy Dylan probably because that's pretty much all we listen to on when we travel, the guys written enough songs to drive to Boston and back!) handed me a couple of books that he thought I would enjoy. They are doing some spring cleaning over there at the house and getting rid of some stuff. I just started flipping through one of the books tonight, it's the 'Lyrics of Bob Dylan 1962-1985'. The book should be titled, the Poetry and Prose of Bob Dylan. I swear, you could read this book without ever hearing a song and still be floored by what it contains. It's really cool to see them all on paper like this, it amazes me that they are also some of my favorite songs as well...

I Threw It All Away

I once held her in my arms,
She said she would always stay.
But I was cruel,
I treated her like a fool,
I threw it all away.

Once I had mountains in the palm of my hand,
And rivers that ran through ev'ry day.
I must have been mad,
I never knew what I had,
Until I threw it all away.

Love is all there is, it makes the world go 'round,
Love and only love, it can't be denied.
No matter what you think about it
You just won't be able to do without it.
Take a tip from one who's tried.

So if you find someone that gives you all of her love,
Take it to your heart, don't let it stray,
For one thing that's certain,
You will surely be a-hurtin',
If you throw it all away.

Engaged Zen Foundation

2010-02-16T08:05:00.000-08:00

My friend Kobutsu Malone recently sent out an email hoping to raise funds for a second printing of his book Prison Chaplaincy Guidelines for Zen Buddhism. The Engaged Zen Foundation focuses on providing prisoners with Buddhist reading material, and recently there has been a great demand for his book that has been out of print for a year. Kobutsu helped me in a great way when I was having difficulties with my former teacher in Phoenix. He spent countless hours on the phone with me answering questions I had and listening to what I had to say about the situation. Please help by giving what you can to help him raise the 1800.oo dollars needed to re-print his book.

Donate here

Gassho,

Shindo

Conduit

2010-02-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

I just got my tickets to see Converge play in San Fran in May... I'm pretty excited about this show. It's been probably 5-6 years since I've seen them play, I used to see them play almost every month back in Boston. Their live shows are filled with so much intensity and heart it's hard to describe, but here's a good video I found from a show I was at in 2000. If you look close you can spot a much younger (10 years) me 'getting down' on the left side of the screen. The video was filmed in Providence, RI at apprx. 1 AM on a summer night. That was a fun night, I went with my friend Jessica and when we got there, the original venue was closed for some reason. So, one of the other bands playing that night (As The Sun Sets) decided the show could go on in their 'practice space'. So about 100 kids marched down the street a few blocks and piled into this small "jam room". I remember saying to myself looking at my watch, "Damn, I have to work at 6am, and we are already an hour and a half outta Boston, oh well... looks like I'm not sleeping tonight!" That was a very good decision...

There was nothing that I ever wanted more
than for you to hold this deep with your heart
To lay beside me as my halo burns deep to cinder
and to wake me from my tired life
To give this ghost a home again
When you fall short and I fall short
this is where I pretend I'm as tall as the sky
Now there is no comfort in your apology
and no comfort in this shame
This is where I can duck for cover
from the overwhelming, from the forever overhead
For the heart, for old time's sake, I'll stay warm with this
Numb from the neck up
She married me with a sympathy kiss
She married me with her heart shaped tomb
These days daydreams don't burn as bright as they used to
and your broken promises are boiling over
Every syllable my swinging hammer
and every hesitation is a loss to them
In the name of those lost to you
for them this time it is war
For me it's easier to just walk away

The Time Being

2010-02-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

just arrived back into town a little while ago from Genjo-Ji
Sankotsu and myself traveled over to join the Sangha during Ango
cherry blossoms are in bloom
Shusho gave a brilliant talk on Dogen's "The Time Being" (Uji)
the theme of Winter Practice Period

"An ancient buddha said:

For the time being stand on top of the highest peak.
For the time being proceed along the bottom of the deepest ocean.
For the time being three heads and eight arms.
For the time being an eight- or sixteen-foot body.
For the time being a staff or whisk.
For the time being a pillar or lantern.
For the time being the sons of Zhang and Li.
For the time being the earth and sky."

Thursday Night Zazen, Ango, and a 3 Day weekend

2010-02-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight's zazen went really well. We had a group of 6 people and 2 of them were first timers who had some great questions at the end about "what the hell we just did" and "why so many forms?" Which I answered to the best of my knowledge from what was taught to me when I asked the same thing! I was really amazed at how still everyone was, and how quiet the room was. Leslie also commented on the same thing at the end of night. Leslie has been sitting with us for a quite a while now, and has turned out to be a very dedicated Zen student and great friend. She also shows up an hour early to help set up the room and stays late to put it back which is amazing. Thanks Leslie! Julie and George also made the trek down the mountain from North Lake Tahoe, it was great seeing them again... They always bring such a great presence to the group, always smiling and laughing at the end of the night....they said since the snow has melted some that we'll be seeing them more often now, which is great news... The past few months have been a little slow on Thursday nights...

I'll be heading over to SMZC tomorrow afternoon with Sankotsu for Ango. I'm really looking forward to taking off for the weekend and sitting with the Sangha during practice period. Hopefully the weather holds up and we don't have to chain up going over Donner Pass. I'm looking forward to seeing Roshi too, it's been a little while since I've seen him. When I went over in January for the New Year's One Day, he was pretty sick with the flu so we didn't get to talk. It's nice riding over with Sankotsu too... the four hours goes much quicker with someone to talk to!

...and Monday is President's Day which means I don't have to work..... thanks Obama!

-Shindo

One Tree Sangha

2010-02-10T20:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had our weekly Weds. night Sangha meeting at Sankotsu's home zendo. It's really an amazing place to practice. Every week we sit 2- 30min periods of zazen, 10 minutes of kinhin
(walking meditation), chant the Four Vows, and then have a service where we chant the Heart Sutra and Enmei Jukko Kannon Gyo 3 times each. Roshi recommended we chant the Heart Sutra 3 times to build energy. (and it does) After service we bow to the altar 9 times then go downstairs for an incredible meal prepared by our Tenzo Kevin.

It's amazing too how much our Sangha has grown over the past year. When I was leaving Phoenix, it was really difficult because we had such a great Sangha at the time and I was worried that I would have no-one to sit with when I got here. When I first came to Carson, I was practicing Yoga at a local Center in town and thought it would be a great place to form a sitting group. I contacted the owners and got their approval to have a the group meet on Weds. nights. People would show up, and I would explain that I was not a formal Zen teacher or Priest and that I was simply just looking for people to sit with. I would give them the basic instruction that was taught to me, and we would listen to a Dharma talk or I would pick a reading to share with the group after zazen and kinhin.

One day while in a coffee shop in town, I found a flier for One Tree Zen Group in Carson. I was so excited to find out that there was a Zen group here in town. I called right away so I could set up a time to come over and meet up for tea . When I called, I think Sankotsu was just as excited as I was that someone else was interested in Zen in Carson! I went over his house and he showed me his beautiful Zendo and told me that it was usually just him sitting by himself and sometimes he would have a few guests but it was still very new at the time so it was pretty quiet. I explained I had a sitting group too but unfortunately on the same night and for the longest time we just kind met at oddball times and sat with each other when we could. Finally there was a break in the schedule on Thursday nights at the place where I was organizing so I was able to switch nights so we could sit together and support each other's group.

I had been kind of bouncing around to different Zen Center's in the Nor Cal area during this time as well. I visited Shasta Abbey and San Francisco Zen Center a few times.(Which are both amazing places to practice) That October though, I had a trip planned to go to Sonoma Mountain Zen Center and came to find out that Sankotsu was a student of Roshi's and was also planning on going to the same Bodhidharma 3-Day Sesshin! It was really an amazing connection and I was so fortunate to find such a great friend and Dharma Brother in him. Since then we have been making multiple trips over to the Zen Center for so many different occasions. And this past November, we both took Jukai with Roshi. It was an incredible experience and even better that we were able to share it together with our families.

Since then, the group has just basically been growing organically with new people inquiring all the time and then telling more people about it. After a while we just combined the groups into the One Tree Sangha that Sankotsu founded, and we adapted all of our forms from SMZC.

The Dharma works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, I eventually became a student of Kwong-roshi and found my home at Sonoma Mountain. I just felt an immediate connection with Roshi as a Teacher and friend, and the intimacy of the Sangha there is like nothing I've ever witnessed. Really. It's pretty amazing. It's like one giant family.

I also still continue to organize the sitting group on Thursday nights as well. Here's the link for the site with the info One Tree Zen. Stop by sometime if your in the Northern Nevada area...

Words cannot express how grateful I am.

Gassho,

Shindo

Dharma Talk- Gerry Wick Roshi

2010-02-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share this great Dharma talk that I came across by Gerry Wick Roshi the Abbot at Great Mountain Zen Center in Colorado. I've haven't read much or heard a lot by Wick-Roshi, but this talk is pretty amazing. He covers a whole lot of ground in just a few paragraphs.
Dharma Talk

-Shindo

strawberry chocolate milk

2010-02-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

last night, while sitting at the

kitchen table with my 2 and a

half year old son, I was on the

computer and he was drinking

his strawberry chocolate milk

he wanted to come sit on my lap,

so I reached over, and picked him up

while doing so, he realized he forgot

his strawberry chocolate milk

reaching for the milk, the cap

on loose, it makes it as far

as the laptop

then spills all over the keyboard

as we both sit there staring at

the pink goop dripping down

between the keys

he looks at me smiling

and tells me he did

a poopy diaper

I smiled and replied

so did i

The Schedule

2010-02-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

"As I've mentioned before, the first teacher you will meet at a Zen Center is the schedule. No matter what you may want to do or not do, the schedule provides a kind of natural pressure that pushes you past your hindrances, past your ideas of yourself and your fears or inhibitions. It pushes you to do things you may not like: stopping work at a certain time, going to meetings, eating food that may not have the taste you particularly enjoy, going to sleep early so you can wake up very early, sitting long hours. All of this pressure begins to accumulate like frost gathering on snow; It functions like the pressure that transforms coal into diamond." Kwong-roshi

This teaching is one that has stuck with me, and comes up a lot especially during sesshin. The schedule is so intense and so full, that it just kind of takes over.From early in the morning until late at night. You just end up giving into the schedule and letting go of your preferences of what you want to do or don't want to do. You have to. You can't win. Whether you like it or not. You just repeat it, over and over, and over. Day in and day out. And eventually, you stop worrying about how many sitting periods are left, and whether or not you feel like brown rice again. When the bonsho sounds, you go to the zendo. When the umpan sounds, it's time to eat.